Recovery

I Wish I Knew This 4 Years Ago

You keep trying to make yourself stop loving him. I can see it in the way you get lost in another boy so quickly, then seem somewhat relieved when it doesn't work out. I see it in the way your hands begin to shake and your words come out slower and stop making sense when he walks by. I see it in your eyes when you ask me if you think he'll notice you stopped texting him. It's not healthy, and it's not making you love him any less. All you're doing is shooting arrows into your heart while dreaming they will land in his. They don't. Stop telling yourself that you're okay with the fact that he's ignoring your existence. Stop punishing yourself. Stop feeling like you can't love yourself simply because he wouldn't stay long enough to love you. Get your ass out of bed, watch a movie with your friends without stopping to look for him among the crowd. Buy yourself that Victoria's Secret underwear set you spent so long hinting to him that he should buy for you. You are not the feelings he left you with. You are as beautiful and rock solid as you were the Tuesday before he waltzed into your life and made you feel like he was the universe spinning in circles around you. You have spent too long running through your maze of a mind in which you've placed the image of his laugh on every corner. You can just as easily make an escape and get the hell out of there. Set yourself free. You do not need his affliction in order to let yourself breathe steadily. You are the earth and the moon and the sky, and he is nothing but an apple tree. Just remember not to plant another spoiled apple seed.