Recovery

A Letter -@writingmyself

You fucked me up so bad. I used to love getting compliments, now I feel like they are all wrong because with every kind word that came out of your mouth, they became engraved in my skin and every time someone compliments me it feels like their words are foreign and I only want to hear it from you. Every time someone goes to give me a hug, I cringe away in fear because every time someone's hands extend for me I can't muster enough strength to latch on to it because the only hand I want to hold is yours. The only warm embrace I want to feel, is from you. Oh god and it gets worse too. Every time someone flirts with me I try to flirt back but then I realize without your teasing and sweet words, I can't do it. I can't write without your name inking the page, I can't listen to music without hearing your name screaming so loud in my head that my ears ring. I can't go anywhere without seeing your name written on the pavement and I'm afraid if I tried to drive I would swerve off the road. I don't know how to breathe without you, how to live without you and I can't seem to function quite right without you either. You shut me down and made me isolate myself and now the only hand I want to grab is yours. I am drowning in an ocean without your love to pull me up to the surface and I am so sorry that I fell so deep, I just really wish it was your love that i could keep a hold of. I don't lock my door anymore because maybe one day you'll walk through it and welcome me into your arms again. I don't bother to text you anymore and say I miss you because even just seeing your name on my screen makes me paralyzed and if I could go back in time and hold you closer, I would. I'm sorry that I'm so fucked up, I just miss you more that I thought I ever could.