Recovery

The Company We Keep

It's been months since we last kissed and I've been trying to figure out why love sounds more like an apology than a confession when it comes from my mouth. I came to the conclusion it's because I have been emotionally unavailable since I learned that no matter how much you love someone it will not make them miss you. I find myself surrounded by those who left more than those who have stayed so often they start to blur together. You once said loving me is like constantly  struggling to come up for air without ever being underwater, but you didn't notice I was suffocating under the absence of everyone who had promised to stay. Someone once told me "Leave before they love you, or you'll stay until they don't love you anymore." You were writing my name in cement and I was carving yours in trees marked to be cut down, saying "this is what happens when someone ruins you before you have a chance to ruin them." I've fallen in love with you more times than I can count, and I'm not sure if that means I've fallen out of love just as many. I kept showing you the way out because I wanted to see if you would leave or find a way to lock the door. I was desperately trying to bolt them shut. I guess it's only fitting I'm left asking the windowpanes where you went. I think of the things I want to say to you like "It's for the best" and "Maybe it was never that good anyway" but when I get the chance to say anything I know all that will come out is "I miss you, let me stay." I'm trying not to let this bitterness leave a bad taste in my mouth but you never saw the point of someone else's lips on yours unless they made your teeth shake, and all I can fucking think about is you leaning in first for anyone but me. The weight of your absence is so heavy I can't remember what it feels like to breathe without gasping. There are a hundred different ways to say "I miss you" but I'm stumbling over every single one and I've realized you can only write about someone so much before the only thing you can write about is the last time you saw them. They say you're only as good as the company you keep. So I guess that's why I haven't been doing so well since you left me.