Recovery

Sorry

When he screamed in my face and pushed me against the car that night, he told me I was worthless but I was the one to say sorry. Over and over again I was sorry. When he left me standing in the parking lot by my house I could do nothing but hate myself for making him leave me.

 When I was a little girl it was a mistake of trusting a man I barely knew, just because he was my own blood. His evil eyes made his way up my dress along with his hands, and ever since then I don't think I could lose my virginity without crying into the man I love's chest. 

When I tell someone how I'm feeling inside, I always let the word "sorry" slip out when I'm finished. I feel like I am dumping my emotion onto their chest and suffocating them like it suffocates me. Then they end up getting upset with me, because I offend them when I apologize. 

At fifteen a boy kissed me like he loved me, and the next day he never called me back or answered my texts. I couldn't help but think maybe I fucked it up somehow, maybe when I talked about heaven and dying it turned him off. Maybe he just didn't want to deal with it. He didn't want to deal with me. The last text I sent him was, "sorry."

 When my mother is angry she tends to raise her voice and say things "she doesn't mean." I can't help but believe her when she calls me crazy, and I can't help but think that maybe my dad drinks so much because he hates his life. I can't help but think maybe it's because of me, do I ask for too much? Is it because I'm always sad? Am I not good enough, what did I do? 

The love of my life is the most amazing man in the world yet when his voice gets quiet on the phone I can't help but question if he's okay because I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I always ask over and over, if he loves me because I need the reassurance that I'm not some crazy bitch. 

When my friend texts me and I don't respond for a few hours I am afraid she will think it's because I can't think of anything to talk about when my mind is filled with this negativity about myself. 

I just always feel like I am doing wrong. I am wrong. I am damaged, by other people's mistakes, I take credit for.