Recovery

What Do I Do?

I am never the kind who gets over things in a few weeks or months time. And that's the reason why I protected myself so much because I know myself too well. I always fall too hard, too fast and find myself collecting broken pieces of my heart. I'll be silent and sad during the first week, tired and numb during the second. Then I'll be cold by the third, if I'm fortunate enough with no risks of relapses. Following these, it's just a dark and cold void of space, feeling nothing. I'm never the kind who searches for another source of warmth or comfort, to jump into the arms of another, just to fill up and empty gap or to heal whatever that's left. I wouldn't do that to anyone. Am I weak because I can't move on or am I strong because I don't replace what's gone? Am I foolish because I have faith or am I hopeful because I believe? Am I persistent because I keep trying or am I brave because I keep fighting? My intuitions, thoughts and what I know. Oh how it kills me, because of its accuracy. We all know the right thing to do at times but deep down we find clues that tell us not to give up. It's both delusional to convince myself everyday that I'm over it when I'm not and believe that there's a glimpse of hope. It's also contradicting of me to tell myself I'm happy when I feel none of it. I've read about strengths in letting go, I've also read about strengths in not giving up. What is the right thing to do? To fight for someone to be in your life or to let go to wait for miracles and fate to play their part? Because what's meant to be, will be? Words are comforting but that's all they can do, isn't it? The only comfort I have is knowing I'm not the only one out of 7 billion people who feels confused and lost. So please help me, is there anyone out there, who knows what to do? I can't go through a day without thinking at all. If you ask me what's the point of all these... Everything.