Recovery

So Many Things I Want To Tell You

Even after all this time, there are still so many things I want to tell you. How I'm different now, but a good different. How after you left, I wasn't sure if I believed in love or God or soulmates anymore. And that now, I believe again. How I kissed a boy who was nothing like me and I didn't hate it. How I met a best friend at school and I really think you would love her sense of humor. I'm eating again. My parents are doing well. My dog is getting old. I moved into a new house you haven't seen. I can fall asleep in my new bed without tasting your hair on my pillow. How I laugh again. How I don't cry everyday anymore. You used to be the only one who could calm me down, and now I learned how to calm myself down.

There are so many things I want to apologize for. I'm sorry for not being enough to make you stay. I'm sorry for all the mean words I said to you. I didn't mean them. I was angry after you hurt me. I'm sorry for trying so hard to hold onto you. I know you didn't want me. I'm sorry for not allowing you to fully move on. I was just so scared of losing you. I'm not scared anymore. I think I lost you a long, long time ago.

There are so many things I want to thank you for. Thank you for leaving me. Thank you for forcing me to put myself into this city and finding my way all on my own. Thank you for breaking my heart again every time I try to speak to you. Each time reminds me that you're not what I need. But more importantly, thank you for the nights you loved me. Thank you for every "I love you". I feel so lucky to have been in love, even if I didn't last. I feel so lucky to have loved you.

There are so many things I want to tell you. But most importantly, I want to tell you that I'm moving on.