Recovery

To The Person Reading This, Don't Follow In My Footsteps

18) I shredded up all of the love letters I wrote you. My words no longer alive, illustrating boring, lined paper, now they simply mimic the leaves on the ground in autumn. They're both fucking dead.

17) I'm afraid I'll always long for you. Always. I feel as if you're directly linked to that word.

16) I put on my reddest lipstick. I know how much you love it. I will do anything if it means you acknowledging me. I hate to admit that.

15) I AM A FOREST FIRE, I CAN'T BE STOPPED AND I DESTROY EVERYTHING IN MY PATH, I AM ALL CONSUMING.

14) My fingers are callused from holding a pen. I've tried to get the right words down too many times. Everything sounds like cliche bullshit - but maybe that's exactly what this is.

13) I miss the way your eyes used to light up. I still see it sometimes. A faint glimmer of the person I used to know. I have to ignore it. I can't sink like that again. God you're beautiful. This isn't fair.

12) I want to scream, "RUN AWAY WITH ME." Let's make our own adventure. You and me. Anywhere you want to go, just PLEASE don't let go of my hand. Let's make this real.

11) It's a Thursday morning in March. The heat in my car isn't worth shit. But if I can survive the bitterness in your words I can survive the bitterness in this cold.

10) It's been a few years and it still hurts just the same. Somehow I still get out of bed every morning, but you are always in the back of my mind. Always.

9) It's exhausting being a writer because I can remember all of your sweet words, and I remember how I felt when you said them. I can't help but ask how did you feel when you said them? Was this supposed to be a temporary fix for your broken heart? Never mind, I don't want to know.

8) I've wasted an hour this morning on you. Just writing this. I know it isn't enough. But neither was I, and I should've been.

7) Maybe in a parallel universe we worked. It sounds ludicrous but I'd like to think this was worth it for someone, somewhere.

6) I will keep coming up with reasons to justify this because I don't know what else there is I can do.

5) Frustration wraps its way around my ribs like vines. Boredom follows me like a shadow. The two do not mix well. I'm sorry my similes suck, but you kind of suck too.

4) I'm trying to heal. And it's hell because half of me wants you to leave me alone but the other half is so caught up in what we were.

3) I'm upset with myself right now because I've written this all before. I've felt this way for too long. I'm running out of how to say this shit.

2) When you're with her it doesn't hurt me anymore. So that counts for something right?

1) I've decided I can't erase you. I guess I'd rather feel uneasy and unsure of everything, then feel nothing at all.