MiniSeries About Timothee Chalamet

What Have I Done P1

Warnings - cheating, self hatred, toxic mindset, feeling unworthy, being caught, self - destructive

I was moaning into my lover's shoulder. I knew it was wrong, Timothée was so loving and caring, but shit, did doing bad things ever feel good! I'd always been self destructive in different ways, and it seemed like I could never let myself have truly good things. I wasn't even as attracted to this man as Timothée. He was a hook up, no feelings attached.

"What on earth!" I heard the sorrow in the tone immediately. I looked up to see Timothée. He was looking at me in horror. The man, what was his name again? Looked terrified. He was putting on his pants in a hurry.

"Raw too?" Timothée asked, noting the lack of condom, and his eyes welled with tears. "Y-you won't even let me do that. He must mean an awful lot to you."

"No, Tim, he means nothing, he was just a hook up," I tried to tell him, but he was shaking his head. I hated how miserable he looked. Why did a part of me secretly relish this, how I was able to hurt him? Because he was someone who actually cared, and I had needed to see it, needed to see it in its fullest. Was that why I always chanced our apartment, when he could catch me?

"Why?" He asked.

"Because you're so good," I said.

"What kind of fucking excuse is that?" He demanded, punching the wall. His hand was bloody. I squealed and grabbed his hand so I could kiss the pain away.

"Don't you dare, you don't give a shit about my hand when you just destroyed my heart!"

"What I meant was, I don't deserve you, but how I feel about you freaks me out. I know one day you're going to realize just how mismatched we were, and walk away. I just had to be the one to pull the trigger, because I can't handle not being in power."

"I wasn't going to do that," he sobbed. "In fact on our date I was going to ask you to marry me."

"What!" I asked. "Im not good enough for that! The reason I'm so careful during sex is I never wanted a baby until I met you. Im scared of what that means, and how much it'll hurt when you leave, and I'm left with these impossible feelings."

"I wasn't going to leave, until now," he said. He walked out of the door, out of my life. I fell the floor, weeping, what had I done?