Pills of love

Slipping Through My Fingers (part 2)

Benny put the hammer down and made sure the two planks were nailed together before he took two more to tack them.

He worked in absolute silence, around him only the sound of water and some nearby birds. The wind ruffled his hair and although he went out with only a sweatshirt over his shirt, the cold didn't bother him. Indeed, the air that was making his hands ache and burning his lungs was almost regenerating.

He sighed and froze, gazing distantly at the horizon and closing his eyes briefly, taking a deep breath. The fury that had led him to want to destroy all those wooden planks for the pure pleasure of having something to vent on had fortunately passed. He hated when he wasn't in control of things, when situations overwhelmed him and he seemingly had no idea how to fix things.

He brushed some hair from his eyes with the back of his hand and lowered his gaze to the ground, getting lost in his thoughts.

He was aware that Frida had already fallen for months into a vortex of negative thoughts and sadness that was slowly destroying her piece by piece. As had already happened before. At first he hadn't paid much attention to it, too busy focusing on their goal, on their desire.

When one day months ago she'd woken him with a cascade of kisses on his face and neck, meeting his still sleepy eyes with a sweet smile, murmuring against his lips that she had to tell him something important, something she'd been thinking about for a long time, well, all his attention was focused on one common goal: to expand their family.

She knew it was his wish, for a long time now, and she had always managed to postpone a concrete answer... But she was all that, she was unpredictability personified, she was the not knowing that he hated so much, she was the semplicity of telling him that yes, she was ready, that it was time to give new life to their extended family as if it were the most natural thing in the world. So out of the blue.

Benny grimaced, suddenly feeling in his throat the desire to loosen that lump that had been taking his breath away for some time now. But once again he forced himself not to do it, because the solidity of him and his wife and their family rested on his shoulders and no concessions were allowed.

Oh yes, he'd had his low moments. The moments where he just wanted to open the front door and run away for a while. But how could he ever do that? How could he ever throw in the towel when his life was at stake.

Yet that day he repeated in his mind that it was ok to feel sad, to feel angry... With the world, with fate, with bad luck, with her, with himself...

Benny took a shaky breath and ran the back of his hand under his nose, now almost impossible for him to hold back the tears.

And he cried. He cried for that desire that was becoming more and more distant, he cried for her, he cried for all the harm they were doing to each other, when they should have just given each other strength, he cried for himself...

After a few minutes in which even a few sobs escaped him, he wiped his eyes with one hand while the other clenched in a fist on the soiled jeans and he took deep breaths to calm down.

He would have allowed himself just that moment. Just that single moment to give in, away from everyone... that single moment to shake off that heavy armor that he always kept up for himself and for others, showing the wounds and scars that it hid underneath. Just that single moment and then that's it.

"Benny?".

Benny spun quickly on the spot, taken aback, holding his breath.

Frida was a few meters away from him, wrapped up in the heavy white duvet they kept near the sofa in the living room. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, her feet bare, her face free from any make-up. She was just gorgeous.