Undeserving Love

The Loneliest

I opened my eyes when I felt water splash all over my body, my black dress wet clinging to my thighs. I slowly sat up and carefully tuck my legs under me. I let the rain wash over me as I look up to the sky. My salty tears mixing with the fresh water rain a sudden wave of pain and anguish passes over me and I let out a heartbreaking scream that even scares me. Numb. Empty. It's all I feel. After realizing that the sun is starting to peak through the night sky I reluctantly get up and make the hike back to the car. As I make my way back I take note of the condition I'm in soaked dress, muddy legs with bits of grass and leaves covering it, and puffy red face. I take the long drive home only to see that the lights are still on, but I don't care, I don't feel anything. I'm just numb. I park the Jeep and slowly walk into the house. When I enter I see a worried Owen pacing around on the phone talking to someone by the dining room. I continue walking in the house and make my way to our room without him noticing and head straight to the bathroom. I go to one of my drawers and open it up, there I see my fate. The one thing that I have been dreading to do but I need to do. I have to. Right?

~You'll be the saddest part of me, a part of me that will never be mine, it's obvious. Tonight is going to be the loneliest.~

I carefully take out the blade and stare at it as I go to lock the door. I don't want to do this I shouldn't. I am a mother. I have to be strong but why can't I... I can't. I walk over to the shower and turn it on, I sit on the floor my back against the cold wall as the water washes over me. I can end it right now I can end it all be at peace, never having to feel like this ever again.

~There's a few lines that I have wrote in case of death, that's what I want, that's what I want.~

They will be fine without me, they don't need me. They will be better off with out me. Owen deserves someone who is not broken and damaged. And my beautiful Pablo and Sofia they both deserve a mamá who loves them unconditionally and can be there for him at all points of the day no matter when or where. Not some sad excuse of a mother who puts her own life before them. I am choosing to do this to them leaving them behind only because I can't handle being here anymore. I slowly lift the blade towards my exposed thigh.

~So don't be sad when I'll be gone. There just one thing I hope you know I loved you so.~

I push the blade down and make a long line I finally feel the pain. I watch as the blood rolls down to the floor making the emerald color go black. I smile as I feel the pain. Not because it's pain but because I can feel again. It's not numb anymore. One, two, three lines of red covers my thigh, as I go for the fourth I hear a dreaded knock at the door.

"Isabella?" I stare a the door without a response hoping and praying that he doesn't come in. Just my luck he starts to wiggle the door handle, little by little he gets a little more desperate to open it. "Isa please open the door I need to know you are ok." I start to quietly cry, knowing he will be opening the door seeing me like...this. A woman undeserving of his love. He begins to bang on the door the sudden noise causing me to jump and let out a loud sob. "Isa I'm breaking down the door." He does, in two blows the door is down and we make eye contact, until he looks down and notices the state I'm in. "Isa, Amor please put the blade down." I watch as he crouches down crawling towards me. I shake my head as I grip the blade harder and angle it back on my leg ready to draw the fourth stripe. I watch as he crawls inside the shower tears building up in his ocean blue eyes. "Please Flor. For me put it down."

I look at him with disbelief. "Who do you think I'm doing this for?!" I shout at him he looks at me confused. "You don't deserve this... me. You should have so much better. Not this thing, this abomination of a human, who doesn't know who to love, or how to feel, and that is so broken she can't even pull herself together."

~In the end, in the end it doesn't matter, if tonight is going to be the loneliest. You'll be the saddest part of me A part of me that will never be mine...~

"Don't say that, Isabella. I do need you. You are the one who deserves better. You are the strongest woman I have ever met and I was in the army, ok so I have met many. And please don't talk about the woman I love like that, you are my flor, my amor, my heart and my soul. You are my air that I breath, you are my everything. Please let me help you." I didn't  even notice how close he got and how he managed to remove the blade from my hand... "You are the first and Last thing I think about every day, you are the reason I wake up in the morning. You make me want to be a better man everyday. You. You. You it's always you." but when I do I let out my sobs and fall on him as he holds me and I breathe in his sent.

~You're still the oxygen I breathe, I see your face when I close my eyes... it's torturous...~

"Don't worry mi amor, tonight won't be the loneliest."