Cold All the Way Through, But Warming

Freeing the Soul

We lingered under the roses for what seemed like hours, Will's fingers in my hair and his lips on my skin. I told him about everything that had happened since the last time I had seen him, but when I tried to tell him about the kiss with Oscar, the words died on my tongue. I knew if I spoke of it, it would ruin everything. Our reunion, the peaceful bliss under the roses, it would all go up in flames.

But when we retreated inside as the sun went down, when Will started a small fire and let Rigel come down to happily romp between us, I knew I had to. I couldn't go to bed with him without confessing what I had done. It was like a weight on my soul, dragging at me, and only by telling Will what had happened would I be free of it.

I looked up at him as he poured wine for the both of us, the liquid rich and golden. He smiled as he felt my eyes on him, I could see strain in the corners of his eyes. I brought a hand up, doing my best to smile as he took it. "Will, I need to tell you something."

"Oh?" He set the bottle aside, sitting down. "What is it?" He kept my hand in his, gently squeezing my fingers. "If you lost, well, miscarried, it's all right Ana. We can try again."

I blanched, "Oh no, Will, it's not that."

"Then what is it?"

"I-I, I" I stammered, my voice weak. "I kissed Oscar."

His grip on my fingers grew tight, but not painful. But his voice was harsh, and it made me flinch. "What?"

"I kissed-"

"I heard!" He snapped, his jaw tight. "Why, Ana? Why would you do that?"

I flexed my fingers, and he shook his head as he let them go. I took a sip of my wine, trying to fortify myself. "Because I was drunk, because he was hurting-"

"Because I wasn't there?" Will stood, raking a hand through his hair. "Is that what you've started doing now, kissing any man you like?"

I stood, feeling tears in my eyes. "No, no Will, I would never-"

"First there was that Flashman, and while I hate it I can understand that." He glared at me over his shoulder. "But Oscar? Ana, you have to know how he feels about you. What that could lead to."

"It won't!" I shouted, my hands balled into fists by my side. "I swear to you Will, it won't lead to anything. You have no idea how awful I've felt since it happened, how much I regret it."

He stepped closer now, fingers tilting my chin up. His blue eyes were focused entirely on me, staring as one hand pulled out the silver pendant I wore. "How did it happen, Ana? You kissed him, but you still wear my gift."

I curled my fingers around his. "It was the anniversary of the sinking, he had brought some wine and we were just trying to get through it." I blinked away more tears, sniffing. "He, he said he was beginning to have feelings for someone else but that he would still love me." Will almost growled at that, but nodded for me to continue. "He said he wasn't sure if he could trust his feelings, since he had loved me but I had married you. He asked for some sign that I had felt anything for him, and I," I looked away. "I kissed him, and said that in another life I would have been happy with him."

"Jesus Christ." Will let me go, walking across the room.

I followed, "Will, I thought about everything that night, everything my life could have been." He was making for the door, "I could have had an easy life, but I don't want that. I want you! I want us to be together, to raise a family." He had opened the door, and was taking a step out. I threw myself on his arm, clutching him. "Will, if I could change one thing in my life it wouldn't be saving my father, it would not kissing Oscar."