Cold All the Way Through, But Warming

After the Battle

It quickly became apparent that no one else knew about whatever battle was about to ensue. When I told Kate I would be heading to Scotland and that I wasn't sure when I would return, she told me to enjoy my time with Will and she would keep an eye on things. Mr. Welton had me sign a few more papers before I left, Dr. Humphry asked for a few extra boxes of chocolate to cover my absence and wished me well. I didn't tell them, I had no doubt everything would come out in a few days and the last thing I needed was people wondering how I knew about everything beforehand. Not only would it cause trouble for me, but for Penelope.

I grimaced when I thought about her, then shoved her from my mind. I could deal with my feelings about her, and Oscar, later. First, there was someone I did need to tell. Sylvie and the children were more than glad to have Aunt Anna darken their doorstep, and a cup of tea was shoved into my hand before she even asked for the reason behind my visit. I took a sip, wishing she had slipped a little whiskey into it. "There's going to be some battle soon, and Will's going to be in it."

Sylvie immediately shooed the children and dogs outside, with strict instructions that they were to not let Rigel and Nana wrestle. Once they were gone, she sat next to me and wrapped me in her arms. "He'll be fine, you know. He's on such a big ship, and he has so many men who want him to stay safe."

I hugged her back. "I need to go though, to be there for him. Whatever way it turns out, I need to see him after this."

"It's been a long time since you've seen him."

"I last saw him for New Year's."

"Almost six months," She shook her head. "I'm sure that he'll come through this just fine, and after how long it's been they're bound to give him leave." She stood, drawing me up and placing her hands on my shoulders, giving them a squeeze. "You're going to go up there, get the house ready, and welcome him like a loving wife should." Sylvie smirked, "He'll be a war hero now, you know."

I tried to grin, "So long as he's alive, I don't much care about that." My grin didn't last very long though, the train to Scotland the next morning found me grim and ill-tempered. Rowan and Mr. Collins were coming with, and they both tried to cheer me up. But no talk about how much stronger the Royal Navy was than the Germans could make me smile, even Rigel couldn't get much more than a brief snort out of me.

When our cab took us across the bridge over the Firth and I saw it empty, it was all I could do to not start shaking in fear.

Once I had helped the men bring my trunks up to the bedroom, I gave them the freedom of the house, and of my purse in case they wanted to head into Edinburgh, and then shut myself up with only Rigel for company. With my arms around him and surrounded by the tartan bed hangings, I didn't have to keep my composure together. I could cry and whisper my fears into his ears, my fear that Will would die or be injured so badly he lingered in pain for months before slipping away. My fears that he would come home covered in glory and be miserable in his new role, or that he would leave me once I told him what I had done.

For since I had kissed Oscar, I had hated myself.

I had tried to rationalize it to myself once he had left, trying to convince myself that it was nothing. I had been drunk to try and forget the worst day of my life, he had been there and been kind and he had been so scared. But still, I had kissed a man who wasn't my husband and told him that I had loved him, once. And I had, oh, it was nothing like the love I had for Will, but it had been some kind of love. A simple love that saw the world as nothing but a rosy picture where everything would turn out right.

My love for Will was tainted by tragedy and war, but it was so much stronger that what I had once felt for Oscar. If I had married Oscar and he left for the war, I would never have followed him across the ocean. I would have kept being that sweet, simple socialite I had been before I met Will.