Lookism: What Am I Even Doing?

Chapter 108

On the back porch of a house that is no longer mine; used to be a swing. In the winters I'd sit on it, letting the wind rock me as I held a cup of hot cocoa in my hands. While my parents busied away in the kitchen I'd dwell in the silence of nature. It was the only time I let my mind be still. Because there, mounted and cuddled in those layers of safety my heart would never punish me.

Never to remind me of my wrongs or regrets. There was no guilt to be felt for being alive. There was no guilt to be felt for being content. Maybe that's the real reason I had such a hard time letting the house go. That back porch swing was the safest space I've ever had. In this life and in the last.

"If you really despise yourself, then why would you ask for peace?"

I don't know but isn't that how all people think? We don't want to be held accountable for our actions. We'd rather be stuffed in our riches gained by manipulation and extortioning others. At least that's what businessmen do. And technically, aren't all bad people just businessmen of life? We only seek to satisfy our endless hunger without feeling remorse.

"But didn't you just say you enjoyed feeling no guilt for being alive or content? Doesn't that mean you've never found pleasure in what you've done? Keeping yourself hidden from others. Becoming aggressive or dominant when weak or confused. Making irrational decisions when you're overwhelmed."

...

Then maybe I'm just a monster. What I seek isn't to satisfy my hunger but chaos itself. Maybe I find pleasure in making these complicated situations for myself. Or what if I like all this suffering? Some people choose to be swallowed by their anguish because it's the only way they can move forward. Chaos...is what moves me forward.

"You're still contradicting yourself. What you're saying doesn't make any sense. You say you like to dwell in the silence and enjoy being mounted and cuddled. Now, you tell me you enjoy the suffering because it's the only thing that moves you forward. So what is it that you're really trying to tell me?"

What the fuck is wrong with you? Is it so hard to just take what I say as it is? Some people don't like being torn apart like this. Don't analyze me like some character from a movie. What I say is what I mean and what I mean is what I feel. So fuck off already will you?

"It's alright. You don't have any reason to be afraid of me. I'm not going to hurt you."

...you're really starting to get on my nerves. I said fuck off you twat.

"..."

See? It's really not that difficult. So please...just leave me alone.

"You know, I think I understand you a little bit better now. You have two voices hidden away in your soul and it's nothing to do with what that Doctor says. One of those voices is a loyal protector who has never had a chance to breathe so now they've become unkind. Then, there is a kind child whose protector tucks away underneath their coat. The child is soft, innocent, naive, but more understanding than the protector. They see that sometimes the world is filled with bad things but if we dedicate our lives to self-preservation, we'll never have time to relax."

What kind of bullshit are you spitting now?

"That protector does bad things to keep the child safe and the child, in turn, stores all that guilt with them. Hidden away in their heart are every mistake, every curse word, every push, shove, glare, rude, and just-despicable thing the protector has ever done. One by one, the child lets them pile up and while they understand why this is being done, they cannot justify it completely.