Lookism: What Am I Even Doing?

Chapter 100

(Doc's POV)

Do you know one of the hardest things about living a second life? No one can understand your motivations. Reincarnations are a fragile species that know the pain of both death and rebirth. Just like all things, even miracles come with their burdens.

My first life was far from perfect. But there are still things I left behind. I wasn't close to my family but now that I'm old, I find myself dwelling in the past. My mother, my father, my sister, and my brother. It stings that I can't see what they're doing now. The best you can do is hope that they're living their lives with some regard to your existence.

There's this large shrine my mother kept in the living room. She mounted pictures of her dead family members. Every night she'd kneel down in front of them and pray for their happiness in the afterlife. On hard days, she'd sit my siblings and I down to ask for advice or power to go through those hardships.

Back then, I thought it was stupid. I thought, "These people are dead. If they were so wise, then why aren't they alive?" Yet I failed to see that most of history's wisdom comes from the suffering and pain of others. I wonder if my mother will pray for me at night.

When her head is hurting or her knees ache, will she pray to her son? Will she ask me, she who believes I'm in the afterlife, what medications to take or what kind of doctor to see?

I wonder where she placed my photo. My mother loved me as all good mothers do. She never mined my cold attitude. No matter how I looked at the people around me she'd still grab my hand and provide me with the only warmth I'd ever receive. Then, from across the table my dad would give me a subtle nod of acknowledgement. "It's alright son. We understand. You're doing good."

This might be selfish to ask for but I want to be mounted on the wall above the shrine. Where I stand tall above everyone else in our family. That way, when she prays to me, she won't have to kneel down and hurt her knees. She'll just have to look up as she stands and clasp her hands together. She shouldn't hurt herself for someone like me.

I lit my cigarette and looked out to the Han River. Why am I getting so emotional now? No, I know why. I can see the end of this second life. This life still won't be perfect and the guilt that I'll have to carry will be more than anyone can imagine. But it'll still be mine.

No more hurting.

No more anguish.

On going traffic passed by me on the bridge. A few cars honked at each other as they fought for the space on the road. Are people really that bothered to just go around? Rushing will do them no good anyway. If they're late, they're already late. It's better to just apologize for it when they get there. There's no use making such a racket.

Hrmph!

My cigarette fell out of my hand as pain shot through my arm. I cursed silently and slowly lifted the sleeve. Damn it, the damn thing opened up again. Blood pushed through the white gauze rolled around my arm. I'm starting to regret not becoming a doctor. A pharmacist doesn't know how to stitch up a cut this deep.

Seo-ah is supporting me the best way she can but I don't want to try my luck by going to a doctor's office or clinic. Emergency rooms are the first places Jong-su will ask her to look. Once he gets off that little high of his for what he did in Gangdong, he'll realize my tracker is going off in some random bathroom.

Shit. I should've grabbed some things when I went to see the kid. Why did I have to get carried away? Before I knew it, I felt anger pooling in my chest and I came off as more aggressive than I wanted. It didn't help that I was in pain the whole time. Pain killers can only do so much with a wound this bad.