Lookism: What Am I Even Doing?

Chapter 106

Ohashi Tsubasa. Who knew that our last meeting would be this way? You said you'd control my future since that day yet this is where you break your promise. Though I also broke a promise I made to you. You remember, don't you? On that rainy day, I promised to kill you.

It doesn't feel nice, does it? To be killed by someone you thought you could trust?

Perhaps you never trusted him at all. I know you feel some sort of regret. You may not feel disappointed by who killed you but fate abandoned you in the end. Do you feel regret for trusting the wrong side in this war? If only you'd let go of your grievances and pain from your past life we could've all lived decent lives.

Doc tucked his hands into his pockets. Is he thinking the same thing?

Maybe we've also done wrong for choosing a side at all. Maybe we'll come to regret our decisions in the end too. But who cares. Once you've died once, the idea of dying again isn't that scary anymore. So when we fade into nothingness just as you have, we'll take our regrets with us.

For now, let us try to fix the damage we've caused or die trying.

Farewell, Ohashi Tsubasa. If there's an afterlife, I hope you burn in hell.

(Doc's POV)

"Manami...have you thought about the future?"

She looked up from the bench across from me. The van slowed to a stop as we reached a red light. She was cautious with her words, careful not to reveal or say anything dangerous in front of the bystander. I couldn't care anymore if anyone thought I was insane.

"Of course."

Of course, "And what does that future look like for you?"

My tone was soft and vulnerable, making her look deep into my expression. I know the end hasn't arrived but it's come close enough for me to see. If I reach far enough then I'll be able to grasp it firmly. There's so much I have to make up for and it doesn't seem right that my end would come this easily. Isn't there much more I still have to repent for?

I won't have meaning once we set things right. Fate will no longer drive me forward. Leaving me to decide for myself what to do with my life. But what can a man like me do? Living a normal life seems to foreign. Working a normal job seems impossible. Going on without an audience feels...so strange.

"Ji Hwan-hee." I lifted my head at the sound of my real name.

No one has called me that in so long.

She changed from Korean to English, "Why don't you ask me what you really want to know?"

...

What I really want to know? They're several things I wished to know from her. For one, is where all this sentimentality is coming from. Where is the cold, hard, selfish man? Has he begun to slowly fade in the wind? Or like thin paper have I begun to melt in the waters of hope?

But what I would like to know the most?

Is it really okay to look forward to living peacefully?

Seeing the bastard's tomb opened up the gates to my heart. Only days ago I wished to live my life drowning in the karma which I owe. Though at the sight of death, I really began to ask myself if this is what I want to make of myself. Do I really want to live the rest of my life repenting?

It would be any honest person's choice but I'm not an honest man. I'm not a good man.

My first mistake was chasing a life I thought would bring me joy. Yet what did joy look like? How far did I go in the name of happiness only to end up in the flames of hell?