Percabeth Oneshots

When Monsters Dial

By me.

It was a calm afternoon at Camp Half-Blood. Chiron was enjoying a rare moment of peace in his office, sipping on some tea as he went over the camp’s schedule for the week.

The peaceful ambiance was interrupted by the shrill ring of his office phone. He sighed, setting down his tea before picking up the receiver.

“Chiron speaking,” he greeted, already mentally preparing himself for whatever disaster was brewing on the other end.

A deep, raspy voice replied. “I have your child.”

Chiron’s eyebrows furrowed in mild confusion. He was used to monsters calling in, threatening the camp, but this was new. “Which one?” he asked calmly, leaning back in his chair.

There was a pause on the other end of the line. “The annoying one who won’t shut up,” the monster growled.

Chiron blinked. Annoying? That didn't exactly narrow things down.

“You’ll have to be more specific,” he replied, sounding more tired than worried.

The monster let out an aggravated sigh. “The one who’s been screaming nonstop for the past hour!”

In the background, Chiron could faintly hear someone yelling. He leaned closer to the phone, straining to catch the words.

“But which one?” Chiron pressed again.

There was a sound like something crashing on the other end of the line, followed by a distant “That’s not how you use a sword, you idiot!”

The monster's growl became more exasperated. “The one who’s demanding I tell them how old I am, why I look like a sea slug, and—by the gods—they're throwing rocks at me now!”

Chiron pinched the bridge of his nose, groaning softly. “You’re still not helping. Which one?”

The monster roared in frustration. “The one who’s threatening me with the power of Poseidon if I don’t give them Wi-Fi access!”

Ah. That narrowed it down.

“Percy,” Chiron muttered under his breath, his voice tinged with resignation.

“No, it’s not—” the monster started to argue, but then there was a scuffle on the other end, followed by the sounds of something—or someone—being slammed into a wall.

A moment later, the phone was wrestled away, and Percy’s familiar voice came through, bright and cheery as ever. “Hey, Chiron! Took care of it! Do I get extra credit for defeating this guy, or…?”

Chiron’s head hit his desk with a soft thud as he groaned. “Just… just get back to camp, Percy.”

“On it! See you in ten!”

The line clicked dead, and Chiron sat there for a long moment, staring at the phone in his hand. The peace was gone, replaced by a familiar headache.

With a sigh, he picked up his tea again. “Why do I even bother?”