Aroace thoughts/rants, poems more

Ace and aro struggles

Being both ace and aro is a struggle for me right now. Like not only am I romance negative, hating fictional romance to the point is damn near impossible I can consume fictional media without at least being slightly annoyed by something everyone else is gonna be obsessed with to the point where it'll be the majority of the fan content making me hate it more and I can't even rant about it without either feeling like a bitch or people being like "non issue" or "first fandom?" But also I'm so sex repulsed that most of the tik o forget real people in real life enjoy it and do it for fun?! Like, I'm in college and the walls are thin so I one time I heard things and it sounded painful. And like I don't wanna sex shame or judge people bc that's wrong but like i just don't get it. And someone once told me it was like how I like horror movies but I feel like that's different bc I don't like enjoy watching people get stabbed to death I like trying to figure out who the killer is and the suspense of "are they gonna get away? Are they gonna live? Are they gonna die?" It's a fear thing not a joy thing.

And so I just feel so alienated.

I also really get into things like books and shows and love talking about them but bc fandoms spaces are primarily sex and or romance focused I don't really feel like I have a space in fandoms one because no one seems to care about the platonic relationships but also bc seeing so much of the romance ones will make me more adverse to them. So I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about them bc my friend and siblings don't watch it so I'm just talking to them and they're just like "hm hm. Yeah" and I don't wanna annoy them.

And as a writer/reader it's even harder bc like writers support writers but like I can't listen to you talk about the smut in your book. 2 chapters long? Why? Then I feel bad for judging. 

It's a whole entire mess and it's like why. Why do I have to feel this way? I don't even want to like it. I can't want to like it bc I'm so adverse to it it's like in no world do I want my brain to like it. But I hate that I don't like it for the reason I feel so alienated or like a bad person bc I feel like I'm judging and it's like I'm not trying to like like whatever you want I don't have to understand why.

I don't know. It kinda makes me hate myself sometimes. 

Anyways thanks for listening to my rant. I hope you all have a great day/night. Take care 💚💜