Aroace thoughts/rants, poems more

Platonic love so much it hurts

I genuinely just feel so blah. Bleh. Idk.

I saw a TikTok that said "being in love with an aroace person is exshausting bc I love them but they can only love me platonically. It's depressing" me rn wishing on every star that aroace people don't see that post (but I had to open the comments and some did 💔)

I have to much to say and I'm to shaking/jittery bc I had way too much caffeine today.

Most of the aroace and or aspec people in the comments were saying that don't lose hope some aroaces still feel some attraction it's a spectrum and like yes.

But I am so just. 💔💔

Bc "only platonic" and "it's depressing" "it's exshausting"

The last thing I wanna do is invalidate sometimes feelings. But I just. Only platonic? I give my all to platonic love and then I reach down and give more. I commented something like "if I love you platonically trust I would give you the sun the moon the stars and your fav food. I would give you everything and more"

Like it's depressing and exshausting to me that I could love people platonically and give it my everything but they don't see it as everything or as enough 😭 okay. And like then if they don't see me loving them platonically as enough then people who love me platonically don't love me like fully because there's a cap and it's not enough I can't be enough I can't give them enough love and I can't be enough to be loved and that sounds so god damn dramatic

I'm genuinely so heartbroken but not in a devestating crushing crippling way but in a tired depressed what am I still doing here way.

I just. I don't know what to say but I feel like I have so much to say and I wanna go read the comments to that vid but I don't wanna hurt myself but at the same time I do.

"Don't hate being aroace" the creator of the video relies to a comment saying they hate being aroace YOU MADE a video demonstrating why I hate being aroace. Because I can never give enough.

And I don't even feel like I have a deep close soul crushing platonic relationship bc I don't see my best friend I feel like she never texts me first and she replies days later and I get things get busy and I try to understand that but I just feel like we are people who talk sometimes bc we've known each other since 6th grade or I'm a pitty friend or she secretly hates me but doesn't know how to say it and maybe it's just the social anxiety/frienshisp anxiety talking but I just genuinely feel like I'm not a good friend bc I tell her everything and she tells me nothing so I must be a bad listener I must talk too much and be too annoying

I'm spiraling. This is a rant book tho. And like 2 people read this and you have no obligation to listen to me or respond I'm basically just using tnis to yell into a void

But like I say all these tbings how I would give everything to platonic love but I feel like maybe I don't put everything into my friendship bc I don't know how people skills.

I mean sometimes I feel socially anxious talking to my FAMILY. WTF.

I say platonic love and famial love are so important and I devour it in fiction but I don't even know how to give that type of love myself but I still wanna be loved so bad platonically

And when I went back to the video my comment was hidden?? When I was literally talking about love. So like idk that's weird.

Idk. I'm just.

Genuinely. Like don't take this the wrong way. There's nothing wrong with being aroace but there's something wrong with me. Or maybe I just suck. Idk.

Fuck I'm thinking about that show with the ghsots that I can't shut up about. How can once CHILDRENS show save my life and royally fuck it up.

I was gonna write a fanfic about my fav character who I headcanon as aroace called "Enough" and basically his friends and him were gonna have this big fall out, one of them getting in a fight with him and telling him he and their other friend wouldn't always be there for him bc they had romantic relationships now and since he's aro in this fic it really fucking hurt him especially because it kinda dug into his past trauma with his abusive parents and when he went to his other friend for comfort his friend left him to go on a date (he didn't realize how upset he was but he should have and he did feel SUPER guilty. Both friends did. It was angst on angst on angst)

Anyways the aro character basically was like "I can never give them enough no matter how hard I try and I will never be enough no matter how hard I try and I'll lose them" or was fucking painful.

I did reuse parts of this fic for my orginal nook too lol.

But anyways I picture my fav character as always trying his best but never being enough for anyone even the fandom but he's always enough for me. I love him so much.

Okay I need to stop talking is getting hard to type I just. I need something. Sleep perhaps. Idk.

Thanks for listening. Take care 💚💜