Out of Time [Brian Jones]

If You Let Me

It's nice to talk to you today
It's very pleasant anyway
Is this as far as you go, girl
But I'll let you guess
You can get me
If you let me, oh yes
*

We stayed in bed without saying anything, just hugging each other, but I supposed it was for both of us a lot to take in, especially after we hadn't even seen each other in two weeks... I wondered if this was going to change anything or if me and him had sealed his fate by trying to alter it... I always knew that there was a risk that he could still die in the end, but now it just seemed cruel. He was on the right track and still his death loomed over us. Even if he didn't believe that it was my fault, I still felt guilty and well... surprised, nervous, odd... I did't know how I should feel about his confession, and neither did I know how to act around him, even worse than before. I really didn't want to hurt him or make everything worse... Neither could I just forget about this and run off. We needed to stay together and this again didn't make it any easier between us.

It was already rather late, when I finally got out of bed, had something to drink and a shower. Brian made some toast and got me my Christmas present, which was a lovely silver bracelet and like with Keith, I was surprised that somebody gave me jewellery. Keith's had been meant as a joke, but Brian's... It looked simple, but I was sure that it must have been expensive or well at least for my standards and I was just astonished that he would give me something like this when I usually didn't even wear any jewellery beside a wristwatch. I wanted to argue with him that this was way too much, but I couldn't. I didn't want to hurt his feelings again, especially not now. I thanked him very awkwardly and run off to my room. I knew I was acting odd and Brian wasn't stupid he probably had picked it up as well, but he had well... he had surprised me.

In a way this nearly seemed ironic. There were definitely tons of people, who dreamed about laying in his bed and hearing those three words out of his mouth and I was scared as hell. It wasn't only his confession or his nearing death, but I had accepted a long time ago that I would die alone and now he was offering me something I had never even dreamed about, a relationship, somebody to love and I had no idea what to think about it. I felt attracted to him, I had missed him and well I liked him, but was that enough? And had he even really meant it? I knew I shouldn't believe everything that the media had printed about him, but if only half of it was true I couldn't trust his confession, no matter how honest he had looked and no matter how bad I felt for mistrusting him. It was for the best, wasn't it? We had no future together any way this ended.

But what if he was right and we both were dead in a few months, shouldn't I give him then at least a chance? I mean if I really was attracted to him and not simply thought so, because he had come so close to me... I didn't know, the only thing I was sure of was that I didn't want to hurt him any further. He had been in enough pain in the past even without me and if Brian could use one thing it was peace.

However I had no idea what this meant for me... I definitely needed to sort my thoughts out and maybe talk to someone who knew more about this than I. I could pick my stuff up at Mary's and well maybe ask her, how I could make sure if I really had feeling for him or not, at least with that she could help me. The death issue was something I had more experience with and maybe if I finally could clear me head, I could find a way how we could prevent him from dying in the end. Not only for himself, but I doubted I could handle it either. I had become too involved with him to just shrug it off, but did that mean I loved him too? I could only hope Mary had any advice for me.

The only problem with this plan was Brian was dead set on going with me. I think he feared I would run off or change my mind about staying with him and in all honesty he wasn't so wrong with it... I would doubt myself in his place too. I definitely felt like running away, but for once he didn't pressure me. Brian just dropped me off in front of my old home and drove off without a single word. It hurt even if I had no idea why... He should have persisted on going with me and we should have argued and not this. This wasn't right. Brian clearly regretted telling me, making me feel even more guilty for doubting him and all I could do was hope that Mary had some advice or Brian and me would never ever see each other face to face again.