Out of Time [Brian Jones]

Jig-Saw Puzzle

Me, I'm just waiting so patiently
With my woman on the floor
We're just trying to do this jig-saw puzzle
Before it rains anymore
*

"Your painting looks good, even if I get the feeling you're at the same thing for an hour."

His breath felt hot against my neck as his arms found their way around me. Water. Suffocating. Death. He was kissing my neck slowly and I just rolled my eyes at him. It was the third time he tried to distract me from actually doing something in an hour. I might have agreed to spend some time with him, but it seemed to have a different meaning for him than it did for me. I had expected that he indeed wanted to spend time with me and not just trying to get me out of my clothes for most of it. On the other hand, it might have been really naïve of me to think, that perhaps he just wanted to talk, but how should I have known what this would really mean? And still meant in a way.

It perhaps was hugely stupid of me after everything, but I couldn't shake the idea off that Brian's feeling for me were not exactly honest. I had no real reason to distrust him, he hadn't betrayed me in any way, but it was hard to turn a blind eye on what I had witnessed since I had started to live with him and after what I've heard. I might not read any gossip magazines, but Mary did and she had always told me things about the Stones, of which I had most ignored. Blimey I hadn't even known their names really, but now I felt like parts of it were coming back and I seriously wished it would have stayed wherever I had buried it in my head. Even though the Brian that had currently wrapped his arms around me seemed to have so little in common with the one of those stories, the thought was still there. Keith might be right that I was still keeping my distance, but it wasn't that easy.

I put my brush away, sighing. I didn't really want to stop painting, but Brian didn't leave me much choice. He could be really stubborn and I had already turned him down two times today. I doubted he had a lot of patience left, meaning this was heading into a discussion I didn't want to have. My day had been so peaceful until now, to get ruined by something so stupid.

Oliver hadn't been at work and Edgar and I had somehow managed to finish up early, which resulted in me having half the day off. When I came home Brian wasn't there and I thought why shouldn't I benefit of my free time to paint. I hadn't really gotten time yet, since I had started my new job and I had missed it. I had totally forgotten how much I had enjoyed painting and I didn't want to give it up again. My joy was however rather short lived; Brian came back as soon as I had started setting everything up. At first he seemed surprised to find me painting in his kitchen, however he didn't say a word about it. Instead he sat down with a drink next to me and complained about somebody, I didn't know, but felt like I should. I didn't dare to ask him though, it seemed stupid and so I mostly kept quiet and continued to paint. Brian didn't seem to mind, maybe he was just glad to have somebody listen to him.

His ranting soon came to an end and he had apparently a better idea how I could spend my time. Usually he minded my space and I was really thankful for it. This whatever it was, was still very difficult on me and I needed time to grow accustomed to so much closeness, but time wasn't really something we had. February was coming to an end and it were a bit over 4 months left until July, which made this only harder. Every touch no matter how gentle it was, was a reminder that he might die and it hurt. I was trying to enjoy my time with him, I really was, but the fear was always there.

"I get why you don't like me touching you," Brian finally said, probably sensing my mood change. "But shouldn't it be boring by now or shouldn't you at least be used to me? How often have you seen me die now? It can't be that exciting anymore."

Exciting certainly wasn't the word I would have use, but I doubted I would achieve anything by telling him that, except maybe another useless discussion. We still didn't seem to be able to move on from that, but I supposed that was as much part of our relationship than my visions and his death were.