Out of Time [Brian Jones]

That's How Strong My Love Is

I'll dry the tears when you cry
I'll be the breeze when the storm is gone
To dry your eyes and keep you warm
That's how strong my love is
*

If somebody had told me a year ago that I would spend the first day of March in bed sick because of drugs and crying over a man, I probably would have laughed at the sheer impossibility of the scenario and still March '69 had started exactly that way for me.

I had finally managed to leave the bathroom after some time and just curled up in Brian's bed. Some part of me knew it was stupid and I wouldn't solve anything by hiding away under the covers, but I didn't want to face this future right now and hiding away for some time sounded indeed good.

Brian tried to talk to me, probably trying to get me to open up about what I saw, but I just couldn't deal with him at the moment and mostly ignored him. It was hard enough coming to terms with what I saw on my own without having him by my side. I first needed to accept this before I could talk to him about it, if I ever would...

I didn't want to believe the voice, but there was indeed the possibility that Brian would let me die to live or even kill me and there was another one that I think scared me even more: he would die so that I could live. Brian had seemed so miserable on New Year's when he had asked me if he earned a second chance and I didn't want him to think his life was worthless... He had so much to live for, especially compared to me... I had no family, next to none friends, just nothing and still I feared if I put the choice up to him, he would choose himself, because for whatever reason he thought he earned to die. Nobody of us did, even if one of us had to. I would have killed for somebody to tell me the neutral outlook on this, to tell me what the reasonable thing to do would be, but there was no one I could have asked. Only Brian and Keith knew about this and I couldn't ask them. I had already relied so much on Keith and especially this... I couldn't ask of him to decide who of us needed to die. That would be cruel.

And Mary, if I told her everything, she would tell me to let Brian die and move on with Keith. Her opinion was hardly neutral. She didn't like him, but I was her friend, so of course she wouldn't let me die... I needed to figure this out on my own and think of another option desperately. My current two choices couldn't be everything, there had to be another way...

"You can't cheat death."

Maybe I couldn't cheat it, but maybe I could offer it something else instead... I bid my lip. I couldn't have these kind of thoughts... Sacrificing somebody else so that we could both survive was insane. I couldn't just let somebody die for such selfish reasons... Especially when I wasn't even sure if I wasn't making everything worse. The voice was right I should have stayed out of people business like I always had.

"I know you don't want to see me, but you should eat something..."

I could hear in his voice that I had offended him earlier when I had send him away, but it had just hurt so much to be with him and knowing it would soon be over. I needed time on my own to come to terms with this, before I could face him again.

"Charlie please..." He said and I felt him sit down on the bed.

I sighed, still making no intention to come out of my hiding place under the covers. I felt better this way, it was safe here. No death or anything.

"Whenever we finally make some progress, I do something to screw up again..."

"It's not your fault and I want to be with you, but I-"

"You don't want to get hurt?" He asked, interrupting me. "I think I got that by now, but maybe you should try to see it differently... You focus so hard on death that you forget to live. Beside you, no one knows what the future brings, we all have to live with the thought we could die every single day and still we go out, live, have fun and so on. If I really die in 4 months, I don't want to spend that time with you curled up in my bedroom, but I want to make the most of it. I still have things I never got around to do and if I don't do them now, I probably never get around..."