Out of Time [Brian Jones]

Think

  Think, think, think back baby.
Tell me who's fault was that, babe?
Take a look inside yourself.
You're not really someone else.
* 

Mary was right meeting my father was a chance at having a family.

I definitely wanted one, but at the same time it scared me. It wasn't only the thought to be confronted with their deaths that made me unwell, but the truth as well. The truth why my father had apparently never bothered with my mother, brother and me... Even if he had left my mother, because he no longer loved her or whatever, why had he never tried to reach out to me after her death? Hadn't he cared that his daughter had nearly lost her whole family?

I really wanted to hear his side of the story and at the same time I didn't, at least not anymore after Brian had made his opinion on the matter very clear. After he had hang up on Mary, we had sat in silence next to each other until Brian couldn't hold it back anymore.

"Don't tell me you're seriously thinking about it?" he snapped.

"What if he really is my father?" I mumbled.

"Even if he is, he didn't try to contact you for 26 years, Charlie!" Brian exclaimed. "He probably got your mother pregnant, left and now that he saw your face in the paper, he thought he could maybe make some money out of you or whatever. He surely doesn't care about you for a minute."

Brian's words had hurt, but he was right. From an outside look, it had to appear that way and there shouldn't have been any room for discussion, especially not when I didn't even want anybody added to my life... And still could I just ignore my father, when he was the only family I might have left?

3 years ago I probably wouldn't have thought about it as much, I would have talked to him and then decided on what to do, because firstly it would have been horribly impolite not to talk to him and secondly I really would have wanted to know why he had left. Now however, I didn't want this stress in my life. I already had enough and if he really only made contact with me because I was with Brian, did I need him in my life? Probably not.

I sighed. "You're probably right... It's only that I've never had a family, I mean a real one. Father, mother, grandparents and now I might have the chance..."

"If you want to meet him, we can drive back," Brian said and squeezed my hand, I didn't know he was holding. Surprised at his understanding tone of voice, I looked at him. I had expected him to call me stupid and not to be so considerate. "I just don't want him to break your heart or tell you what a bad choice it was to get together with me and have you push me away again in the end."

"You're not a bad choice."

He snorted. "Sure, parents usually are ecstatic if they find out I'm dating their daughter." I wasn't sure why, but the idea appeared funny to me and I had to snicker, which earned me a frown from him.

"Well good for you then, that you won't have that problem with me," I replied still smiling a bit.

"So you don't want to meet him?" Brian asked curiously.

"I don't know..." I mumbled and took a deep breath. "You're right I managed my whole life without him and I don't see why I should need him now, but there's a part of me that just wants to know the truth, why he left and why he turned up now... I think I just want some answers..."

"Even if you won't like them?"

"I don't know... maybe?"

"It's your choice, Charlie. All I can say is that I wouldn't want to meet him."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm sure he didn't track me down only to tell me to leave you and even if he did, do you seriously think I would listen to him? I didn't even listen to you when you told me to leave and I doubt he tries as hard as you did."