Out of Time [Brian Jones]

Time Is On My Side

  Time is on my side, yes it is
Cause I got the real love
The kind that you need  
*

We didn't talk after it.

I didn't know what it was, but it felt wrong. Too sudden, too fast, simply too unreal. I was still trying to grasp my head around the fact that Brian was even here to begin with and now this. I lay naked in his arms, my head on his chest and my arm around him. He was gently brushing my hair with his fingers and every touch send another wave of insecurity and fear through me. Why had I just gone along? I was supposed to be overthinking everything and not just be led by my feelings, especially not these kind of feelings. Brian had left me for no apparent reason, I had lost my job and overall I had just felt bad... I should have yelled at him and not let him sleep with me, especially not when there still was this small voice telling me that this was all he wanted from me. I wanted to believe that he really loved me, but the voice was stronger and I was silently begging for Brian to say anything to finally break this awkward silence between us, because I surely couldn't.

"We should have done this months ago," Brian mumbled and I felt my stomach turn. Was that really everything he cared about? I wondered and the voice in the back of my head screamed yes. It might have been stupid of me to think that he actually cared about me, but the things he had said and done, had made me belief in something more and now I just felt used and dirty... His hug became tighter and he kissed my forehead, but it only made me sick. "Did you really mean it when you said you loved me?"

I had, but no words left my lips. I was simply too scared of his reaction and remained motionless in his arms, trying very hard not to get emotional. I didn't understand why I felt this need to cry, but it was there and it was very strong. I hated myself for it, I wasn't supposed to get this attached to somebody especially not him and still I had and now it scared me more than anything.

Brian moved from his position on the back to a sideways one to get a better look at me, probably sensing that something was not alright. My head slid off his chest on to the bed in the process and his hand in my hair wandered down to my stomach.

I felt his eyes on me, but I couldn't return his gaze and turned my head away. "What's wrong? I know the sex was a bit rushed, but that's no reason for you not to talk to me."

I didn't know if I should laugh or cry at his words, the way I felt it probably was rather the second option. I blinked the tears away and turned my back toward him as well. "Okay I'm sorry for that too," he said sounding clearly annoyed. "Can you stop the silent treatment now? I can always make it up to you next time," he proposed tenderly stroking my stomach and trailing kisses along my neck. His touch was gentle, but all it did was that it made me feel sicker and sicker.

"Is that all you care about?" I mumbled and I couldn't hold it in anymore. Tears escaped my eyes and I bid my lip in hope I would at least not make a sound. I didn't want him to see me cry and show him how weak I really was. This was his fault to begin with, I had managed to keep everything in for so long until he had barged into my life and had turned everything around.

"What are you on about now?" His voice sounded confused and he had stopped caressing my stomach. "Of course I care about that, if you start to behave oddly after you sleep with me, what am I supposed to think then? Charlie, just tell me what your problem is instead of this avoiding shit again."

I didn't answer, not only because I was still trying to hide my crying, but I didn't know what to tell him as well. That I felt used? That I didn't like feeling so much for him? That we should have talked instead of sleeping with each other? Or that I was horribly scared by the future? There was so much wrong that I couldn't even tell what my main problem was.