Out of Time [Brian Jones]

Ride On, Baby

 Give it a try
If i'm not impressed
You can still cry
Get out and ride on, baby, ride on, baby
Ride on, baby, ride on, baby  
*

Reaching out for Brian was the first thing I did every morning, nearly subconsciously as if to make sure he really was here with me and not just a dream. On some days I wished for it only to be one and others I was only happy it wasn't, but when I woke up and there was no trace of Brian I felt restless. 

I had no idea how I had managed to fall asleep in the first place. It probably had rather been from exhaustion than because of my own free will.  I just couldn't... I was alone with my thoughts and fears and nothing could distract me. The house seemed so empty and silent without Brian and it only reminded me that soon this would be the case for forever... I realised that there was a lot I could promise Brian, like staying away from his funeral, but I could never keep on living in his house without him. He was present in every fibre of it and I couldn't live with his ghost haunting me on every step... But then again in my visions I had been staying here...

It had something ironic about it how much I could wonder about the future, when I had actually seen it... Hence why I was nearly thankful that so much was happening around me. When your time was limited there was no quiet day, everything seemed rushed and hurried without any breath in between, but at least I couldn't worry as much as I usually would have. If I had thought that my life had been troublesome before I needed a new word to describe the month of May.... Whatever weight I had gained, was lost by the start of June again.  I probably looked even for my standards dead, but I nearly looked healthy compared to Brian. May had been especially hard on him and it wasn't only the accident. 

After it we had at least gotten a few days of peace. Even though one vision had become true: The one of us sitting in his garden. Brian had just gotten back from the hospital and just wanted to enjoy the good weather and the fact that he was finally out of the hospital. We sat outside and Brian had his arm around me while he told me about something I was only half listening to. I was too occupied with observing him to really focus on what he was talking about. His eyes nearly seemed to shine in the bright sun. He looked so excited and happy, that for once everything felt so good, so peaceful. The sun was shining, Brian was smiling and everything was perfect for a short moment, in which I wished I could have stayed in forever.... though it had been very bittersweet. So sweet and so painful at the same time. Why couldn't we just stay like this for a while longer? Just two people that enjoyed their time together. It hurt to think that Brian would be gone any moment now... Whereas he didn't want to let go off me before, it was I who clung to him now. He didn't seem to mind the role reversal though... Maybe he was even glad about it, after all if I had learned one thing about Brian, then it was how much he hated to be  alone and at the moment I surely didn't want to leave him alone for even a minute. Was it odd that I relied so much on him when I had been so independent in the past? Perhaps, but it wasn't as if we had the time to be apart from each other and do our own things.

Hence why leaving my job felt definitely like the right decision, even if I worried about Edgar in the back of my head... Same with Mary. I hadn't tried to contact her, which I probably should have done, but I couldn't deal with her mess as well now, especially when I was sure Mary would forgive me the moment she read about Brian's death in the newspaper...  She would forget her anger over her worry for me and would contact me. Not that I wanted to think about that, but it seemed like the most plausible scenario and I appreciated every thought that made me worry a little less. I just wanted to be with Brian for the time being, not only because I needed him, but he definitely needed someone by his side as well. I knew he didn't want me to worry, but I wasn't blind I could see how stressed out he really was.

Officially he was still part of the Rolling Stones and despite that he wasn't in any good condition he still was forced to do a photo shoot with them among other things. The time he had for his own music got shorter and shorter and I started to suspect he wouldn't have anything ready by the time of the third July. Maybe he was right and the universe really hated him...