Out of Time [Brian Jones]

Stupid Girl

  Well, I'm sick and tired
And I really have my doubts
I've tried and tried
But it never really works out 

*

We didn't talk during the ride home, not that I could have said anything to cheer Brian up anyway. Telling him 'I'm sorry' seemed pointless. It wouldn't have changed anything, especially not when I felt as if I was to blame for the whole thing anyway. Brian would never have left the Rolling Stones willingly. It was his band and if it weren't for me and my stupid visions, he probably would still be with them... I could understand that he wanted to do his own things, when he had no time left, but was it the right decision to act on my visions, when I didn't want them to become a reality? 

On the other hand if the voice was right, it didn't matter either way. We were doomed no matter what we tried, so it possibly was the best option if Brian indeed did what he really wanted to. Even if I didn't like it, but it was his choice after all and he seemed alright, at least more than I. 

Brian didn't say a word either. Instead he looked like he was in deep thought, nearly concentrated, but different from his usual driving face. I wondered what he was thinking about and would have expected the worst, if Brian didn't seem so strangely relieved at the same time. It wasn't very visible, but I knew him long enough to see the difference. He wasn't worried, he was only thinking deeply about something. Somehow it helped me calm my nerves as well. Brian looked as if somebody had just taken a huge weight of his back. Maybe leaving the band had exactly had that effect on him, I wondered. That it hadn't been the most comfortable situation for him was obvious, so maybe this really was for the best. 

We perhaps couldn't solve every problem, but we could at least try to. This was only the start. I would leave my job on Friday, get Mary to move out and then it would just be Brian and I, like he had wanted it to be... 

Even though I felt silly for it, the thought made me nearly blush. This still was so new to me... We definitely had become closer in the last 3 months, since we had started to really be with each other, I supposed, but this was anew something totally different... I wondered if this really could work out. Our routine might not have been the best, but it was working somewhat and I didn't want to destroy that... Not when Brian clearly strived after something more than I did, which nearly sounded ironic. I should be the one who wished for us to marry, not him.... And even though there was a huge part of me that wanted to be his wife, there was an even larger part of me that warned me off about it. Not only, because it was something new and something I had never thought possible, but Brian was going to die in not even two months and then? I would be alone again, a widow and possibly pregnant if I believed my visions...

My stomach turned at the idea. It couldn't happen. I could never raise a child and certainly not on my own... Running off suddenly sounded like a very good plan, but I couldn't... I couldn't start pushing Brian away again. He didn't deserve that in the slightest-

"Charlie?"I nearly jumped at Brian's voice and I heard him chuckle at my bewilderment. "We're home, so can you please stop your overthinking now? I'm fine and we can go in."

I hadn't remarked that we had arrived nor that he had stopped the car. Embarrassed I mumbled an 'alright' and got as fast out of the car as I could. Away from Brian, even if I still could feel his amused stares on me when I rushed inside the house. He was immediately behind me though, which didn't help the situation at all.

"Sometimes I would really like to know what goes on in your mind," Brian said as he closed the door behind him and I nearly wanted to reply 'same', but didn't, not when I remembered what I had been really thinking off.