Out of Time [Brian Jones]

Look What You've Done

You left me here
The lonely one
And all I can say
Is look what you've done
A broken heart
A worried mind
Because of you baby
*

It was strange being back.

Even though I hadn't really been gone for that long, it still felt odd being at his home again or maybe I just thought it was, because there was standing something between us neither he nor me wanted to talk about. Before we had at least a somewhat comfortable relationship and now it was simply awkward.

I couldn't deal with this and avoided him as good as I could, which was surprisingly easy. I had expected Brian to confront me, yell at me or anything, but he didn't. We had hardly even talked in the days after the 27th. I left for work in the morning and came back in the evening, only to shower and head off to bed.

It was cowardly of me, especially when I knew I couldn't run away forever, I needed to figure something out, because I couldn't leave him hanging, no matter if he really loved me or not. It wasn't fair and neither did we have the time to just walk around each other forever. December was coming to an end and so was the year. Brian didn't even have 8 months left and it made me just feel worse. His 'I love you' rung trough my head and all I saw was his death. It hurt... It hurt so much and I just felt like crying and I hated myself for it.

I was supposed to be strong and not this... I should have told him, that I didn't love him and we should have moved on with our lives, but I couldn't. Whenever I saw him my insides ached and no words left my mouth... I didn't want to admit it, but maybe I really did feel something more for him.

However loving Brian seemed like such a huge risk... I couldn't overlook his approaching death nor his past and even if he really loved me and would survive in the end, how long would it take him to grow tired of me? He might need me to save him at the moment, but what would be if he no longer did? Our worlds were too different and he surely would find somebody else who would be happy to keep up with him and he would surely leave me... And why should he be with me anyway? I was boring, stiff, serious and unattractive according to him. This would never work out and even if we stayed together, what then? Marriage and children? Alone the thought was ridiculous. Brian and me, had no future together, no matter how I looked at it...

And still there was a part of me that wanted to see how this turned out and maybe give him a chance... I didn't want to be alone again and I really liked Brian if I was honest with myself for a moment. I had no idea what to do and for once I would have liked him to be pushy, but he left me space and it drove me nearly insane. He should have known I would overthink this again and should have forced me to a decision... But nothing. He left me drowning in misery.

My mood on my birthday wasn't the best therefore and it didn't help that he wasn't even home, when I returned from work. I didn't expect him to wait for me with a cake and a present and still it hurt coming home to an empty house. I felt so useless and simply sat down with a bottle in the kitchen. I just drunk until Mary picked me up. I had no idea how much time had passed, but apparently she had tried to call me the whole afternoon and got worried when no one answered, so she decided to have a look. She talked some more, but I was hardly listening.

My mind was still blank.

So I just nodded from now and then, as Mary dragged me out of the house to her car. All I caught was that no one should be alone on his birthday or on New Year's Eve and that Brian was a bastard.

I wanted to disagree with her and tell her he hadn't meant it and that he didn't even know what day it was, but I stayed silent, because I feared I would start to cry if I opened my mouth or say something I would maybe regret. Mary seemed to feel my unease and did everything she could to lift my spirits, which was partly a success.