Out of Time [Brian Jones]

Blue Turns To Grey

*
So now that she is gone
You won't be sad for long
For maybe just an hour or just a moment
Of the day
Then blue turns to grey
And try as you may
You just don't feel good
You don't feel alright
*

It was odd sitting in my own living room again, especially since it was no longer mine. It was Mary's and I wasn't supposed to be here. I should have been at Brian's, but I couldn't just return like nothing had happened between us... The last time he had thrown me out, it was over something small and stupid, which could have been overlooked easily. It wasn't as simple now. Even if I still couldn't really understand why Brian had been so mad, I had just said the truth. We had a deal and that was it. If we had been more I would have understood why he would have been angry with me about leaving, but not like this. Still it probably was rather cold of me just to say to him that I would leave him when his life was no longer in danger... He wasn't just some job, but I liked him too, even if he made that really hard. This was the third time he had thrown me out and we only had December, this meant if we continued like this there would be 18 more times were I would end up again in my flat until July. Alone that thought was reason enough to have a drink, ignoring the other 100 I had.

Beside Brian and everything that involved him, there still was my vision of my own death that wouldn't leave me... What if it was true and not just a bad memory? I didn't look much older than I do now... I would be lying if I said it didn't worry me. This knowing and not knowing was driving me crazy, because I had no idea what I was supposed to do. Should I leave my job like Brian proposed and do everything I ever wanted to do? Or should I just put it down and carry on like before? Somehow it was ironic, everyone had to live with the fear that they could be dead the next day and I was probably the only one, who exactly knew the future and I was panicking over it. I guess being confronted with my own death made me realise that maybe actually I don't want it to end like this. I enjoyed my time and it seemed so unfair if it was over in just a few months or years and I probably could do nothing about it. No wonder Brian seemed so frustrated most of the time. He exactly knew he had no time left and had to be reminded by it every day.

I wondered how he could even look at me. Without me he could perhaps have lived his last month's happy and now he spend his time arguing with me and seeing death around every corner. Maybe he was better off without me, although I doubted it and I feared he would just give up and Mary was no help. She had picked my clothes up the day after I had turned up at hers and according to her Brian looked like a mess... I wasn't sure if she was really telling the truth or just trying to guilt trip me.

If that was indeed her plan, it worked, although I suspected Mary regretted that or at least she hadn't thought it through, especially not calling Mr Evan and asking him for the week off and then leaving me on my own again. Every second I was alone with my thoughts, the guilt seemed to grow and I tried to chase it away like I usually did with a drink. One became two and so on, getting to the point that Mary yelled at me for drinking her alcohol storage for a month or something in two days. In my defence, what else was I supposed to do? Mary went every day to work and during the day I felt lonely and bored... There was nothing for me to do, I cleaned, rearranged her things, even baked a cake and I probably was driving Mary insane, but she didn't complain. I think she wanted to give me still some time to catch up with the situation, but I wasn't sure if I wanted that.

I mean now was the perfect opportunity to get my old life back, forget about Brian, do my job like usual, stay away from people and just do what I want to. I didn't need to worry about anyone dying and wasn't forced to do anything out of my comfort zone, at least not more than I usually did. It sounded too good, but could I just go back to that? Not caring about anyone and just doing my job? It felt not right, especially not abandoning Brian... I really needed to clear things up with him, but didn't know what to say to him. Sorry seemed not enough... I really had done him wrong... Although this was a topic as well I didn't really wanted to think about.