Out of Time [Brian Jones]

High and Dry

She left me standing here just high and dry
A minute I was up there standing by her side
The next I was down there, well, left out of the ride and
High and dry oh, what a way to go

*

This time he avoided me.

I understood that he wanted to leave me space for my decision, but this was ridiculous and I surely didn't want this... I mean I had no idea if I really liked Brian in that way, but neither did I want him to totally ignore me, especially when I tried to make an effort. I had made more than once a try to engage in a simple conversation with him, but every time he brushed me off and left me standing there like a complete idiot, which I maybe deserved a bit. He was right I had left him hanging on and maybe had given him false hope and not only with this. I was doing nothing else with my visions, I told him they could change and so on, but nothing did. We were still where we had started off. If not it looked even worse now, before we had a simple arrangement with no strings attached and now we had a tangled mess and I had no idea how we could untangle it.

I nearly wished I could have turned back time and never met him. My life might have been sad and lonely before, but at least not this... I liked being with him of course, but the more time I spend with him the more scared I got that this was going to end in heartache... Not only for him, but for me as well. What was the point of being with him, when he died in the end? I had lost already too many people and I doubted I could handle to lose Brian. I really cared too much for him and everything in me screamed at me to give him a chance, especially in August... So much stress would be lifted from us both then and maybe this would work out or maybe I was starting to get delusional. Still I couldn't deny him this at least... August seemed so far away and still with every second that passed it got closer and it scared me, because I couldn't shake the question off if Brian would still be around then.

I really hoped he was.

Even if he would indeed throw me out after he had no need for me any longer, I wouldn't mind as long as he was still around somewhere. It might hurt, but not as much as losing him for forever would. It took me nearly two weeks of complete ignoring on his part to come with this and I still wasn't sure if I really loved him or not, or maybe I only couldn't admit it to myself.

Brian seemed to have come to a conclusion of his own during this time. Some of his stuff was gone, when I came back from work one Friday and that's how I realised how far he was going to take this "give me time to think" business. I spend the whole weekend on my own waiting for him to finally return. I knew it was stupid, but I felt like if something happened to him and I wasn't home I would never forgive myself. Not even alcohol managed to calm me down and I went to Brian's things looking for a joint, with the hope that this would at least help me a bit, because I couldn't even sleep the way I was and surprisingly it did. I had no idea how, but somehow I had just drifted off to sleep. Saturday and Sunday were mostly a blur, still I kept waiting for him. Monday I looked more dead than the actual corpses I had to work with... Mr Evan nearly had a heart attack, when he saw me and send me home immediately and told me to come back when I was better, which I doubted would happen in this lifetime.

I had next to none recollections of the following week, whenever I started to feel clearer, everything caught up with me and I started drowning it again. I didn't want to think or be reminded of something ever again. I knew this wouldn't help nor change a thing, but it felt so good just too forget about everything... I hated being on my own, especially in his house, where everything reminded me of him and this at least gave me some comfort. Everything seemed easier and I think I started to see why Brian had drifted so off in the first place. It was easier than living. Just numbing everything to the point you simply didn't care anymore. I knew I was going down a very dark road and I desperately should turn around, but I had no idea how.