Out of Time [Brian Jones]

The Spider and The Fly

Sittin' thinkin' sinkin' drinkin
Wondering what I'd do when I'm through tonight
Smoking moping, maybe just hopin
Some little girl will pass on by
Don't wanna be alone but I love my girl at home
*

I would have liked to say that the last days we spend together were better, but to be honest they weren't. Brian's mood was awful, even if I couldn't understand why. I certainly had done him no wrong. If one of had a reason to sulk around it was me and not him, but I supposed that was the way our relationship was going to be. We were fine until one moment and then we didn't talk for days, only to forget about it in the end and start the whole circle all over again. It was exhausting and Mary was probably right that this would only cause us both heartache, but wasn't it prove that we cared about each other? I wanted the best for Brian and he for me, so wasn't it normal that we somehow ended up arguing? Probably not, even if I could have done without it.

At least Mary seemed to be happy to have us back home or at least me, I doubted she cared a minute about Brian. She had done what I had asked of her, which put me anew in a dilemma. I could read the letter and knew the truth or carry on in blissful ignorance... Mary urged me to read it, even if I suspected it was rather to settle her own curiosity than it was concern for me, but I just couldn't open it, at least not for the moment. I wasn't sure if I ever would have enough courage to do it or if I really wanted to. Some things were better left unknown and this definitely felt like it belonged into that category.

"I can't understand why you don't want to know what he wrote?"

We've been back for three days and I had stopped to count how often Mary had asked that question. At first she had at least been interested in the holiday, but after she had decided it was boring and nothing much had happened, she moved on to bothering me about the letter my father had left me. I suspected everything was at the moment good enough as a distraction. She still hadn't talked to Ben and despised the vision I had I started to think she never would tell him.

"And I can't understand why you don't want Ben to know about your baby," I retorted as I purred myself a new glass of wine, which was one of the only things Mary and Brian both still let me drink without complaining. Mary contrary to Brian at least wasn't just talk. She didn't drink much either, but Brian who might have cut down his drug use, still drunk whatever he wanted to. It wasn't necessarily bad, he never was really drunk, but to me it was mostly only unfair.

"That's different. Would you tell Brian if you were pregnant? Surely not."

Mary was right, probably not, but for different reasons. Brian had only a few months left to live, there was no need to upset him with it when he would never find out about it anyway. There was no point in telling him, but under different circumstances... If Brian would live, would I tell him? I had to at one point and it probably would be easier if I did it as soon as I knew than if I waited for him to find it out on his own... Brian certainly couldn't stand secrets.

"I would tell him about it."

Mary looked at me surprised for a moment, before she shook her head "So you wouldn't over think it until it was obvious you were? Charlie, I'm nearly sure he'll might stay with you, but you can't tell me you wouldn't have your doubts."

I bid my lip, of course I would have my doubts. There was no proof Brian wouldn't leave me if I was pregnant, but I would never be in this situation anyway and this discussion wasn't about me.
"Still I think it would be good if you talked to Ben and Keith."

Her eyes widened at my words. "Are you insane? I'm surely not saying a word about it to Keith."

"But what if he is the father? He deserves to know," I pointed out.