Out of Time [Brian Jones]

Love in Vain

  Yeah, when the train left the station
It had two lights on behind
Whoa, the blue light was my baby
And the red light was my mind
All my love was in vain
*  

It felt even worse than I had imagined it would, but it was far too late for second thoughts. 

I- we were probably doomed the minute Brian had decided to chase after me and had saved my life. I didn't wish for my death, yet on some days it only sounded easier. Brian would have gone on living his life how he pleased, fully ignorant of whatever fate was lurking in his future and I could have maybe finally found some peace. It was a stupid thought and I knew it. I was happy Brian had saved me and I had got the chance to spend so- to fall in love with him. I didn't regret a minute of it, despite all the drama that had gone down and that I could have certainly done without. A normal boring relationship would never be something we could have. Then again neither Brian, I nor the circumstances we had met under had been normal...

Even if they had lead to something so normal.

I probably should have felt happy or excited, but all I was focusing on was my unsettled stomach. I didn't trow up this time around, for which I was very thankful. I had spend enough time vomiting in the last few days, because I had been a mess. I had no reason anyway to be nervous.. No matter how rushed I thought it was, it was nothing bad... It only meant Brian really loved me, didn't it?

I had no idea how he had done it that we could just get married that quickly without any notice in advance. I had never been to a wedding before, but I doubted it usually went down that quick...  I had thought about calling Mary and inviting her at least, but I feared she needed more time to sort her life out, before I could contact her again. We both were in a new situation and needed to get accustomed to it instead of trying to be the same people we were only 6 months ago. I still wondered about how much life could change in so little time, instead of finally accepting it and moving on. I could neither live in the past nor the future. Only the present and that was what I promised myself when I said the words I never thought I would say.

"I do." 

Brian smiled. 

It was a tired smile, but a genuine one. Maybe this had been rushed and a bad idea, but I didn't mind. This probably was his last chance... And well my only one. This couldn't be wrong, even if my stomach felt awful, our relationship was such a mess up until now and the choice of a dress had caused a minor fight this morning. 

Though Brian could have known that somebody who deals with funerals didn't exactly have something to wear to be married in. Most of the dresses I owned were black or dark and in most things he had bought me I didn't feel comfortable in. After nearly giving up he found a dark blue dress, he considered alright and I didn't feel as exposed in. 

I looked like a mess though as did Brian to a degree. 

I hadn't eaten properly in the last few days and with all the vomiting I had done, I had lost again a bit of weight... The dress was a bit too big on me and the colour made my skin look nearly white. The stress was leaving its marks on me and for the first time even I had to admit I looked dead.  

Brian only seemed tired at least, but he looked as if he could never sleep enough to get rid of it again. We probably made a rather sad picture, but I didn't care, Brian seemed glad. He held onto me the whole time as if he wanted to make sure I didn't run off, which did sound tempting, because I was scared, but the wish to be there for him was bigger. 

He did seem to feel my slight unease though and didn't pressure me to anything. Mary's and his betrayal were still heavy on me, even if I tried to ignore it and had agreed to marry him. To fully move on I probably needed time I didn't have- he didn't have.