Out of Time [Brian Jones]

You Can't Always Get What You Want

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need
*

I never dreamt.

And I didn't mind it one bit. Seeing things while I was awake, was already bad enough and I was glad I could at least spend the nights without strange visions, but since I started to sleep in Brian's bed with him, it often happened that I woke up in the middle of the night, because I thought I was drowning...

I had never mentioned it to him though. The only way we could have changed this was if we slept separately. Something I no longer wanted and Brian had made it rather clear from the start that he didn't like sleeping on his own. Most of the time it was tolerable, because I fell asleep right back again, but on other nights I lay awake thinking or watching him sleep.

He seemed so peaceful then and it usually helped me fall back asleep, except for now. Brian's words wouldn't leave me. Was it really a good idea if he left the Stones and acted exactly like he did in the visions? I didn't want them to become true... But what other choice did I have? I could hardly force him to do something he didn't want, especially when he really was going to die... He earned at least to spend his last months how he wanted them to, even if I didn't like it.

"Oh you're up early, Charlie." After laying awake for a long time and realising that I probably wouldn't fall asleep any time soon, I had left Brian alone in bed and had sat down with a drink in the kitchen. One had turned to two and so on. I had no idea how much I had actually drunk or how long I had been sitting here, but apparently long enough for Mary to wake up and the sun to rise. She was wearing some old bathrobe of me, which I didn't even know I still owned and seemed over all still rather tired. It was a rare occurrence to see Mary not with make-up on and her hair done that I nearly had troubles recognising her. She sat down next to me and frowned as she saw what I had been doing the whole night. "Is everything alright with Brian and you again?" she worriedly asked.

I nearly wanted to laugh. There never was and probably never would be everything alright between Brian and me, not as long as one of us was going to... Then again would Brian stay with me, if by some miracle we both survived? I knew he loved me, but sometimes I just wondered why he even did or if he really did. I had pushed him away so much and all I ever brought him were bad news... On the other hand, why did I love him? He hadn't treated me any better and he fought all the time with me. I shouldn't even like him, but I did and it still confused me somewhat. Of course I worried over nothing again, especially when we didn't even have a future together to begin with. We had four months, nothing more.

"I suppose that means no," Marry said, pulling me out of thoughts and I wondered how long I had drifted off until she had decided it had been enough.

"I'm sorry I've been thinking. Nothing more..." I mumbled, looking at my hands that were clasping my glass.

"So Brian and you are alright again?" She asked again and took my hand in hers. Old. Death. Heart attack. Death. "-talk to me."

"It's kind of complicated..."I replied for the lack of a better answer. I supposed Brian and I were "alright" again for now, but the next fight was probably already lurking around the corner.

Mary raised her eyebrows and started to laugh. "Complicated? You two? I think you two created a whole new level of complicated."

I had to smile as well. "Maybe."

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked and squeezed my hand.

I shook my head. "You know me, I'm just worrying over nothing again."