Out of Time [Brian Jones]

Heart Of Stone

*
What's different about her? I don't really know
No matter how I try I just can't make her cry
Cause she'll never break, never break, never break, never break
This heart of stone
*

I went to work, had a drink with Mary, came back home and spend the evening with Brian. I had no idea what he did during the day and I didn't ask nor did he tell me. It was his business and it wasn't like we were really dating or anything. A few times he left in the evenings too and I supposed he went out drinking or maybe meet up with the others. He asked me a few times to go with him, but I mostly declined. Contrary to him I needed to get up in the morning and work, even if he really couldn't understand why I did. It just seemed pointless to him and no matter how often I tried to tell him that I needed something normal and regular in my life, he just gave me the impression that the only thing I was accomplishing was wasting my breath.

Still this arrangement kind of forced me to spend time with him and even if we had a somewhat rocky start, I had to admit he wasn't usually that bad. He had his moods and was over all probably not the most easy-going person, but in his defence neither was I. We argued often and mostly about the most ridiculous things, but he didn't throw me out again. We both tried. He because his life depended on it and I because I wanted to do for once the right thing and not hide away my whole life. It was a good feeling to know that I could actually make a change.

The vision where he died in a few months was still present, but it became less and less. I think all he had needed was a helping hand or some kind of warning to get him back on track. He still did drugs and it would have been highly unrealistic if he had just stopped in a blink of an eye, but I think he was less involved than before. He really was trying. His eyes had always seemed so sad and broken, but now you could see something else as well: Hope.

I would be lying if I said that I hadn't become attached to him in the time I had been staying at. It was nice coming home to somebody and to talk to someone besides Mary, who actually knew my secret. Brian was complicated, but a nice guy and I definitely started to like him. And that scared me.

Brian just seemed like a huge risk. His death was omnipresent and his moods sometimes abruptly changed and I couldn't really deal with that. Another thing was something that I hadn't really thought about, but Mary had. It was during one of our after work drinks, when she asked me how I felt about him probably cheating on me. It had never entered even my mind, because we weren't a couple to start with, so why should it bother me what he was doing in his free time? As far as I could see him sleeping with somebody, wouldn't lead to his death and was therefore no concern of mine.

However it got me wondering what would be if one of us did get feelings for the other? Even if I strongly doubted this would ever be the case, because of the way he was and the way I was, but still there was no guarantee that it wouldn't happen. I knew I would probably not be able to handle that. I wasn't the best with feelings anyway and his future still didn't look very promising. All a romantic relationship could bring was heartache. Furthermore the chances of one between him and me becoming reality seemed just too slim. I wasn't attracted to him, nor was he too me. It just wouldn't happen and Brian didn't give me the impression that he really wanted me as his girlfriend. He had hit on me, yes, but it seemed to me more like he would have no problem sleeping with me, because I was there and not because he had any special feelings for me and he wasn't holding back either. He had called me unattractive and I had no idea what more, it didn't bother me. because his opinion on that was of no interest of mine. I was trying to help him survive and not trying to get him to sleep with me. Besides he seemed to get enough entertainment on his own without me.

One day I had come back early. Mr Evan had needed to leave and Ben and me got the afternoon off. When I entered Brian's home, I could hear definitely suspicious sounds. I shrugged it off and made me something to eat and to drink and tried to ignore the noises by turning the radio on. I could have left, but I was lazy and I didn't really see why I should leave besides that it was awkward to listen to. It was maybe his house and he could do what he wanted to, but I lived now here too and I had every right to be here as well. As for his privacy, it wasn't like I was spying in on him and I honestly really had no interest in doing so. All I hoped was that they finished quick and I could stop pretending that I wasn't hearing anything.