Mello's First Love

I Scream Into the Night for You

Y/N pov [Warning for suicide]

I had a restless night and Near was back on the floor beside the couch when I woke up. He was busy doing a puzzle but looked up when he heard me stir. His eyes were all red and puffy and my heart sank at the sight.

"How do you feel?" He asked. I felt so guilty at his concern, even when I could see the evidence of his own hurt.

"Fine. How about you?"

"Fine too. I should tell you that Mello came here last night. I sent him home but he'll be waiting to hear from you." He spoke in his usual monotone voice, then went back to his puzzle.

"Ok. Is there anything else you want to tell me?" I asked gently.

"I don't know. Actually yes. I want to kill him."

"Why?"

"Because he hurt you."

"Any other reason?"

He stopped doing his puzzle and stared at the floor. I waited as he sat still.

"No. No other reason."

He obviously didn't want to say anymore and I wouldn't push him. Perhaps it was best left unsaid.

"Anyway, I have to go into work. Will you be ok here?"

"Yes, go ahead. And Near, thank you."

He left and I lay on his couch thinking. I couldn't stay here and hurt him. So I walked back to my apartment, knowing Mello would be at the mafia.

I changed into a black dress with a white stripe at the bottom. I searched my drawer for a cross necklace to wear with it. Then I left once again. I couldn't stay there either, to keep hurting Mello and be hurt by him.

I took the train and sat staring straight ahead, my mind empty of its usual racing thoughts. I arrived at my destination and walked over the bridge to the bar where I'd first met Mello. I had never gone past the first floor but now I took the elevator to the top and made my way out onto the roof garden. The view was indeed spectacular, as I'd heard. There was no one else there at this early hour.

I looked at the tattoo on my right wrist, the words Spring Nicht. It was a song title, German for Don't Jump. It had helped me for a while. On my left wrist was another song title, Good Enough. I knew I wasn't though.

I'd never told Mello about my disorder. I thought I was better and I knew that people like me shouldn't get close to anyone. I knew what monsters we were considered to be. Because in truth, I am that monster.

I couldn't imagine living in a world without Mello, but I didn't want to keep making his world dark. I was tired of being a burden on everyone. That's why I'd left my homeland. But I could never escape from myself.

I knew what I had to do. I looked out over the city. LA, you've been lovely, but my time here is done. I'd finally found happiness and love, but everything always ended badly.

I held onto my cross necklace as I thought of Mello one last time.

~ The End ~

(I'm sorry)

"Hold my hand in the dark street
For if you do I know that I'll be safe"