DRV3 headcanons, one-shots and other stuff [COMPLETED]

(O/S) Kokichi x Suicidal! Fem! Reader

Requested by @Lizzana120. Enjoy and thanks for requesting!
T/Ws: suicide, depression, various other angsty subjects. Do not read if these topics make you uncomfortable. Please get help if you are suicidal or in any way mentally ill. This fanfic is not romanticising suicide and I do hope anyone having such atrocious thoughts gets good help.
Fic title: Lead The Way.

Y/N's POV

My life was an unforgiving nightmare. I hated that.
When I woke up mid killing game, I barely had the motivation to get up the next day. I'd cried a lot. Kirumi had been nice enough to bring food to me, but I never ate any in fear of it being poisoned.
I'd go for days without food. I'd find a way to haul the shell of myself to the kitchen while my mind was muted yet still buzzing with static, and I'd make a lot of food from scratch.
I'm not exaggerating when I say a lot.
I'd eat it all and gain weight.
My weight would be up and down, as would my mood, but the key difference was that my mood was almost consistently low.
When Kaede died I felt numb. From that numbness sprouted guilt. From that guilt sprouted self-loathing. From the self-loathing came becoming so used to hating myself that I was completely numb. It was a vicious cycle.
Needless to say it sucked, it sucked so hard wanting to curl up and disappear and just cry all the time. It sucked to feel so hollow.
It all sucked.
It all sucked and I wanted it to stop.

Kokichi's POV

Y/N was pretty cool. She was prettier than Miu (though that's hardly an achievement), kinder than Maki, and more grounded than Himiko.
She seemed pretty screwed up when Kaede died, and she was one of the first to run in and see Rantaro's body, so I decided to check up on her and make sure she didn't have her motive video.
If I'm being honest, I was scared of it messing with her head even more.
I knocked on her door to find it open and to find her curled up on her bed. She leapt up and grabbed a baseball bat from beside her bed and held it in a defensive stance.
"Get away." She threatened.
Despite being kinder than Maki, she was just as defensive, if not more so.
"Hey, I just wanted to check up on you." I said, offering a little laugh to lighten the gloomy atmosphere.
She lowered her bat ever so slightly. "Tch." She tutted, raising her bat and clutching it so hard that her knuckled turned white. "Why should I trust you? I really don't want to kill you, so give me one good reason why I shouldn't."
"Because I have no weapons." I said, turning my pockets and showing my hands. "If you want to talk somewhere more public, that's fine too."
"No. Anything but going out into a place where murder is around every corner."
"I... I'm afraid I'm not following."
She started to ramble to herself with teary eyes.
"I can't give the sickos of this world the satisfaction of watching me die. If I do die it'll be by my own hands. Yes... I won't be trouble for them anymore. Nobody would die during the trial. It wouldn't screw anybody up since nobody would care." Her voice got lower as she placed the bat down and sat on her bed, pulling her knees up to her chest.
"What? Hold on a second, you're not really thinking about offing yourself, right? Tell me you're joking." I slowly but steadily approached her, not really sure how to aid the situation, and sat down next to her. I could barely make out what she was saying.
"I'm scared!" I made out her saying. "I don't want to put people through watching someone get executed. I... I don't..."
I patted her on the shoulder. She was sobbing and her breathing was shallow.
I had no idea what to say to comfort her. One wrong word and she'd be dead by her own hands.
Suicide. It seemed so extreme yet so realistic to imagine her offing herself.
I pushed the intrusive thought away and tried to focus on getting her stable again. I knew that I couldn't cure her - I was unsure of what to do, not ignorant - but I could only try and keep her emotionally decent at best.
"It's okay if you don't care. I understand." She said through her quick breaths. "Even if you do I want you to let me die. I want to be free from this Hell."
"I can't, Y/N."
"It'd be for the best. You'd be a step closer to winning."
"Y/N, you're going to pass out if you don't try to calm your breathing."
"Go away, please, just to away. It's... it's embarrassing to be seen like such a weak person." She seemed to be swaying.
"Take a deep breath, please." I wasn't particularly begging, but I said it with enough desperation to get the point across.
She drew a few shaky breaths.
"I won't do anything rash. I just need some time alone."
"Promise."
"Promise."

She did keep her promise until Kirumi's execution. Kirumi had been quite nice to her and Ryoma made her feel like she wasn't the only one going through such thoughts, so I could understand why she would break after that.
It was late at night and I'd found myself wandering to the kitchen for some midnight Panta.
I found Y/N there grabbing a knife.
"Oh." Was all I said to announce my presence.
She turned around and dropped the knife. It dropped with a sickening clatter.
I slowly approached, picking it up and placing it on the counter closest to me.
She was almost in tears.
"I really really really like you."
"Liar."
"If you died I'd probably kill everyone here for making you feel inadequate."
"It's not their fault."
"I know, but I like the blame people."
There was a long pause.
"I really like you too."
"Then please don't kill yourself."
She sucked in a deep breath, controlling her shaky breathing the best she could.
"I'll try really hard to get better if you try to survive." She promised.
That's when I thought about my plan to end the killing game.
I sighed a long sigh.
"Kokichi?"
"I promise that I will do everything in my power to end this killing game bring happiness to you whenever I can."
She cast me a small smile. "Thank you for understanding me when nobody else took the time to."

Word count - 1117.