flower; ch

"a smirk that makes me want to jump off an actual cliff"

'cause baby, with those eyes, i know what you're doing
i can't be the only one that you are pulling
{foolish, valley hush}

indigo

i couldn't sleep at all last night and have been up since 4:00. it's currently 8:00 and i'm freaking out at the moment. i meet with andy at 9:30. i know he's just a person and i really need to chill out, but i just can't seem to grasp the fact that this all really happened.

growing up i always struggled with anxiety. i can't talk to people without wanting to pass out.  it doesn't even have to be someone as well known as andy deluca, it could be some random person who i ran into on the sidewalk. it's gotten better over the years as i've gone to therapy and worked on my social skills and how to calm down.

today however, it seems that all my strategies have completely gone out the window. i'm shaking and can't control my breathing, my hands are sweating buckets and i can't concentrate.

there's one thing that always manages to calm me down however, music. i go to my computer that's sitting on the desk and click shuffle. i smile to myself as the song vapor by none other than 5 seconds of summer comes on.

soon enough, i find myself singing along while i look through my closet for something to wear.

when i was younger, i was lucky enough to have parents who funded my horseback riding career. however, when it came to other materialistic things such as clothing, i preferred to be able to pay for it myself. my parents had decent jobs, but if i wanted an $80 shirt, there was no way i was going to ask them to buy it for me. because of this, i usually worked 2-3 jobs so that i could help them with my horse, and be able to purchase things that i wanted. i paid for my car with mostly the money i've made myself, and it's something i'm quite proud of. i also made sure to put most of what i made in savings for when i undoubtedly left after high school.

one of those jobs was more of an internship with a horse trainer, i worked for her doing grunt work like cleaning stalls and taking care of the horses, in exchange for free training. the other jobs changed some but were pretty typical jobs teenagers have.

today i decided on something simple, but not too casual. i went with a plain black dress and a light jean jacket. i felt for this i didn't need to dress up too much but i didn't want to seem like i wasn't trying.

once i got dressed and put my makeup on, i felt a lot calmer. i left my hair natural, slightly wavy. by now it's 9:00 and i'm meeting andy at a building not far from downtown LA. it's a 20 minute drive so i'd i leave now i'll get there about 10 minutes early.

the drive over is filled with anxiety and LovelytheBand blasting through the speakers of my Santa Fe.

i arrived there at 9:25 because of some traffic. i went ahead and headed to the front door. i walked to the reception desk where a petite woman with dark brown hair sat.

she smiled at me and said, "hi i'm trish, how can i help you?" she sounded very sweet, and not at all condescending which i appreciated.

"i-i'm indigo harper, in here to meet with andy deluca," i say slightly nervous, still overwhelmed by the whole situation.

as if hearing his name, the man himself came through the glass doors to my left.

"indigo! i'm so glad you made it!" i immediately smiled back, something about him is just so positive, i can't help but smile.