flower; ch

"how can i be okay if he's not?"

mother, i know
that you're tired of being alone
dad, i know you're trying
to fight when you feel like flying,
if you love me, don't let go.
{unsteady, the xx}

calum

i never met indigo's dad. she talked about him every now and then, and the few times she did she was usually stressed over something her mom was going through. so, i suppose i always saw him in a more... negative light. i remember the first night we slept in the same bed. i found her in her room crying because she had just found out that he had lied to her and the rest of their family for half of her life.

she did tell me of times before the truth got out. she once considered him her best friend, her protector. she saw him as a heroic figure, a statute that she admired and aspired to impress. he was full of optimism and was a dreamer, yet it eventually led to his demise. i believe indigo harbors that fact inside herself, making her fear success and the things that come with it.

i've grown rather protective over indigo. i know she's fully capable of taking care of herself, but i can't help but want to do whatever i can to keep anything bad away from her. it's hard however, when i have no control over any some things.

for instance, right now we're both sat on an airplane, her hand is cold against the arm rest, where mine is wrapped loosely around it as a meek attempt at comfort. i study her closely as she looks out the window, hardly even noticing my stare. she's been out of it all day, i've had to repeat myself every time i speak to her. not that i blame her for this, not at all.

if i'm being completely honest, she's reacting to everything that's happened in the past 24 hours better than i ever would have. indigo has a strange way of coping with things. she's quiet, and seemingly void of emotion. as if her thoughts have all trapped themselves inside of her, refusing to show their weakness to the world around them. i heard her crying in the bathroom last night, she wouldn't let me in. once she came to the bed though, her eyes were free of any puffiness or makeup to indicate the sobs i heard.

the phone call was the worst part. we had just gotten out of the shower, and i went to grab us some clothes from the bedroom. when i walked in indigo had her phone to her ear, worry etched onto her face.

"my mom called me, i'm not sure why," she says worriedly, with her phone to her ear. i nod, busying myself  with brushing my teeth.

"hey mom, sorry i misse-" her voice stops in its tracks, and i'm almost positive her breathing has stopped as well. i look at her in the mirror to see a look of horror make its way to her eyes.

"w-what?" she whispers out. i set down my toothbrush turning to her to see her drop the phone from her hand. i widen my eyes when she takes in a strangled breath.

taking a step forward, i reach my arms out towards her. i wasn't a moment to late, because as i do she collapses into me, her hand clutching the shirt on my chest. her breathing is coming out fast, and she's close to wheezing.

she's having a panic attack.

"hey, shh baby. please breathe," i whisper into her hair, pulling her up straighter. i pull back from her looking at her panic stricken face.

"breathe with me, okay? in through your nose and out through your mouth," i take deep breaths, thanking god shes trying to do them with me.

"good girl, there you go," i coo softly, letting my hand stroke up and down the towel on her back soothingly.

"is your mom still on the phone?" i ask carefully, glancing down at where she dropped it.

"i-i don't kn-know," she stutters our, her words jumbling together. i nod, letting go of her to reach down. i pick it up to see the call ended, but quickly recall her mom.

"hello," an unfamiliar female voice sounds through the phone.

"uh- hi is susan there? this is calum, indigo was just on the phone with her," i say carefully.

"oh, hi calum, this is grace, indigo's sister. um- my mom isn't here-" her voice breaks and i prepare myself for the worst.

"i called because our dad he- he's in the hospital a-and my mom couldn't make the call and... he-he's not... not going to make it," grace chokes out a sob between sentences. "we just need indigo here, please," i can hear the pain and grief in her voice, and my stomach twists.

"we'll be there, just text us the hospital name," i respond, trying to ignore the tightening of my chest. indigo's arms are wrapped tightly around herself, clutching her towel. i bid goodbye to her sister, setting the phone on the counter. i pick up the flannel i brought into the bathroom for indigo, noticing the goosebumps littering on her arms.

holding the flannel out to her, she drops the towel from her body. she takes the clothing from me, shrugging it over her shoulders and doing the buttons. i walk back to the room, grabbing a pair of sweats for her as well, and she puts those on as well. she's staring at her feet intently, without uttering a word. i step forward, cupping a hand under her jaw and lifting it up so that she's looking up at me.

"i can cook breakfast while you look for flights, if you want?" i ask softly, not wanting to upset her. my thumb strokes over her cheek softly, and nods slowly. i let out a small sigh, leaning forward to press a short kiss to her temple before walking downstairs, indigo following closely.

-

the process of finding a flight was beyond frustrating, as there were none until the following morning. indigo hardly spoke a single word all night. this morning she got up, got ready, and sat quietly in our uber. she has let me hold her hand the whole time, but i've tried my best not to be too overbearing.

but as i look at her now, her eyes empty and expression blank as she stares from the plane, my worry outweighs any rationality i may have. i shift my hand from hers to rest on her thigh, up by her knee. she shifts her gaze to it, before looking up at me warily.

"everything will be okay, flower," i say softly, without any conviction. for the first time since we got the phone call, her eyes show an emotion. sadness. overwhelming sadness. i falter at the sight of tears prickling at her eyes.

"b-but what if it's not," she responds, her voice barely above a whisper. i turn in my seat, so that i'm facing her completely. a tear falls to her cheek, and my i reach up to brush it away with my thumb, letting my hand stay cupping her cheek.

"it will. no matter what happens when we get there. you will be okay." my words are slow, as i try to instill them into her mind. she shakes her head, more tears falling.

"how can i be okay if he's not? i- i don't think i can handle loosing him," she says, her voice filled with worry. i sigh, tilting my head slightly.

"you're so strong, indigo. whatever happens will be hard, but if anyone can survive it, it's you," her eyes soften, and she reaches up to wrap her hand around mine, taking it from her face and holding it in her lap.

"i'm going to be a mess, calum," she says, her voice sad. she looks at me directly, and i squeeze her hand.

"i know," i reply honestly, knowing not to expect any less. she sighs, a single tear slipping from her eye.

"promise me you'll stay, no matter how miserable i get," her words are weak and vulnerable, which i know she hates to be. she may be broken right now, she may think that she won't get through this, but i know her. i know how strong she is and how capable she is of getting through hard times. knowing that, and knowing how much i love her, i murmur my next words with complete honesty and nothing but the truth.

"i'm with you forever, flower."

a/n
early update!

so... yeah. who was expecting this?

the next couple chapters will be quite sad, so bear with me. :( i think we only have approximately 5 more actual chapters of this book. i haven't finished editing everything and figuring out how exactly the last chapter will go, but yeah it's close... brb gonna go cry

there will definitely be an epilogue and probably bonus chapters though, i love their relationship!

please vote and comment!

kayl xx