flower; ch

"this song is called better man."

thought i'd found the highest of highs,
you came and topped them all
{better man, 5 seconds of summer}

indigo

without really noticing, my anxiety has regressed a lot in the months i've been touring with the band. i've had to talk to a lot of people, and stand in front of crowds, although their focus wasn't on me. my apprehension to speaking up and speaking truthfully, has shrunk into a small part of me, only to be seen occasionally.

unfortunately, this is one of those moments, that the apprehension, which comes in full force along with anxiety and fear, has come out to visit me once again. my hands are sweating, my face is flushed, my jaw is clenched, my fingers are fidgeting, and i can't form a full sentence. it's funny, how one of the most important things in my life, is also the root of this resurface.

he's standing next to me, and honestly, he looks just as scared as me. we haven't said much to each other since the plane, nothing more needed to be said. i did tell him i wanted to be the one to tell alexia, it just felt demeaning, since i'm the subordinate in this situation, to have him speak for me. my contract doesn't state anything about a relationship, mainly because before me, they had yet to hire a woman. i have a feeling the new contract would state that romantic relations with the band are not allowed, and i also have a feeling the higher ups, won't be fully pleased about calum and i.

the sound of calum's knuckles against the dark brown wood of alexia's door, is almost deafening to me. i'm studying the chipped paint that covers the doorframe, when the handle clicks open, and the door is opened.

i've met alexia a few times before, and each time it feels she's become even more stunning. she's at least 5'9. her hair is a dark brown, almost black, color, and falls past her shoulders, perfectly straight. her cheeks are angled, and her body resembles one of a model. she's usually adorned in a fitted pantsuit, perfectly creased and perfectly matched. it's almost comical, how straightedged she appears, and her personality is no different.

"indie! calum! what are the two of you doing here?" she asks politely, with a hint of surprise to her tone. she smiles pleasantly, but not even on a condescending way. i smile back, before responding.

"we came to s-speak to you, do you have a minute?" the stutter of my s makes my hands clench, trying not to let the frustration effect me too much. her eyebrow raises slightly, but she steps back to let us in nonetheless. we follow her into the hotel room, seeing a couch and chair next to the bar. she sits herself down in the chair, ankles folding underneath her, and gestures for us to sit on the couch.

i sit first, closer to alexia, as calum sits next to me, at a respectable distance. my eyes dart to his hand, which is sat against the cushion. i cant help but which it was wrapped around mine for comfort. i wipe the thought away quickly.

"is something wrong?" alexia asks, her brows pulled together in a worrisome way. "please don't tell me your camera broke." i smile slightly at the second part, shaking my head before i respond.

"no ma'am, my cameras fine," i say slowly, over articulating my words but not even caring. my hand fidget in my lap and i try to ignore the nerves i feel. my eyes just about bulge out of my skull when calum's hand moves to my thigh, resting above my knee. normally, the action would comfort me, but it does nothing but further intensify my nerves. i see alexia's eyes flit to his hand, but she says nothing, waiting for me to speak up. i take a deep breath, ready to get it out and over with.