flower; ch

"we were always meant to say goodbye."

you know that i love you so,
i love you enough
to let you go
{already gone, sleeping at last}

calum

the drive to andrew's apartment is agonizingly slow. i texted her as i left, confirming that she was there and luckily andrew is at work. my head feels as if it's spinning, and i my heart won't stop its rapid pounding in my chest.

i'm so inevitably in love with indigo harper, it has consumed me. i've never cared for someone so much that i don't even care about myself when doing something for them. i'm about to tell her i want to end this with her, as if i ever would want to not be with her. but i know this is what i have to do, what i need to do. i can't ruin career when it's barely started. and if i did, i'm sure she would resent me for it, even if she said she didn't.

because she's indigo harper, and she would never hurt me in the way i'm about to hurt her. but i can't keep doing this, i can't stay with her and be the cause of her loosing her job and reputation. maybe one day, when she's working for someone else, we can rekindle.

she'll find someone new.

my hands clench around the wheel at this thought, knowing that if i end this today, she may never forgive me. i don't know if she's in love with me, but i do know her feelings for me are present and she doesn't want this relationship to end. and that knowledge alone makes this all the more hard.

i arrive at her building, nerves settling in. except this time, they aren't based out of excitement, but instead pure dread. i exit the car, softly shutting the door and walking towards the building. searching the numbers, i finally approach the apartment that she's in, my stomach feeling as if it's twisting inside of me. i don't even comprehend my movements when i reach up to knock on the door, my mind in a completely different headspace.

the door opens to reveal the source of my sadness. the short, ball of light that i've been living off of for the last four months. the small girl that my entire world has revolves around. my indigo, smiling up at me, because in her mind, today is a good day.

"calum," she breathes out happily, reaching forward and wrapping her arms around me, making me instantly melt into the gesture, arms tentatively wrapping around her as i sigh into the top of her head. inhaling the scent of coconuts, i feel a tug on my heart at the hard truth i'm facing.

"you alright?" she takes a step back, a puzzled look on her face as she takes in my sad gaze. i feel as if i could break down any second, but but instead i do the first thing i can think of, as if it's the first thing my brain can even think of. i step forward briskly, cupping her jaw in my hands, and kissing her softly. her lips are stiff at my touch, not expecting my actions, but she soon relaxes into it and kisses me back.

i move my lips from hers, continuing to hold her face in my hands. she looks back at me curiously, still unsure about my behavior. i sigh at the sight of her beautiful eyes that i love so much, peering back into mine.

"you're so beautiful, indigo," i say quietly, wanting her to hear it one more time. the blush that washes over her face is expected, and just as beautiful as the first time i laid eyes on those pink-tinted cheeks.

"you deserve the world, okay? you can't settle for less," i continue shakily, not wanting what i'm about to say to make her think any less. she looks as if she wants to say something, but instead nods, as if she knows i'm about to say something important. i trace my thumb over her cheekbone, wishing i could keep her skin in mine forever.