flower; ch

"we jump first and then decide."

a/n: i don't usually do this but i'll be referencing the song Die Trying by Michl throughout the chapter, instead of just one lyric at the beginning.  :P

indigo

the day was filled with interviews and promo. calum and i were in the same room quite a bit, but we didn't have to have any unwanted conversations. i could tell he was staring at me throughout most of the day, but i tried my best to keep my composure. i played with the ends of my sweater sleeves and adjusted my skirt a million times trying to distract myself from him.

calum hood was nothing like the boys i've dated, or been with whatsoever, in the past. he's independent, successful, caring, and not a bad looker. i know that if i am going to let myself be with anyone, it would be with him.

not to mention i've crushed on him long before i met him. i used to dream about him and admire him from afar. but now, its real. my teenage fantasies couldn't have prepared me for the man he is now, especially since he was rather immature and young when i was in high school. but now... now he's intellectual, he uses his words carefully, and he treats me well. i wish i didn't think so far into things, but i know it stems from my lack of trust and wariness regarding commitment.

growing up, everyone i thought i knew, ended up not being who i thought they were, or had intentions that were far from good. it started with mr fitz, all the way up to this past month with my dad. i don't believe calum is out to hurt me, but it feels inevitable.

he's a pop star, whether anyone wants to admit it or not. he has millions of fans who want to be with him, and will take down any woman that he's found with. i want to pretend that isn't intimidating, but it is. even if we kept a relationship private, it would somehow get out, and i would be put right into the public eye.

i feel as if the more calum gets to know me, the more he will change his mind. we've only known each other for a month or so, and this is moving rather fast. on the other hand, he said he doesn't know how he can remain friends, which makes me fear if i keep him in the friend zone, he'll get tired of waiting for me and move on. i know he doesn't want to rush me, and i know i like him tremendously, my self doubt is just getting in the way.

i've always been a hesitant person, i never wanted to put myself out there, or let myself do what my heart wanted. moving to LA was the biggest risk i ever took, and i made a promise that day to myself that i would continue taking risks and letting myself do and be what i want.

i want calum, and as confusing as it is, i think we could work. in light of this, i decide that tonight, i'm going to tell him how i feel, and that i want this as much as he does.

are we wrong? are we right?
we jump first and then decide.

-

after the boys' last interview for the day, we head back to the hotel to freshen up and rest for an hour before heading to the tower. as i walk into the elevator i hear someone else walk in behind me. i turn around to see calum standing in front of me, as i take a step back to let him come further in. the doors close and he smiles at me before turning to the number panel.

"you're floor three, right?" he asks. i take a step forward and grasp his forearm with my a hand. he turns around with an eyebrow raised as he looks down at me.

"yeah but um.. i was thinking we could both go up to my room," i say nervously. "to talk," i add. he nods and presses the button before we both take a step back and lean against the elevator wall. i notice his hand tapping against his thigh, a tick he has when he's bored or nervous.