flower; ch

"you want cold pizza for breakfast?"

you'll never know
how much i miss you
the day that they took you,
i wish it was me instead
{two of us, louis tomlinson}

one month later...

indigo

"baby, please... you-you gotta get up," his words are muffled to me, as my head is buried underneath a mound of pillows. i squeeze my eyes shut in guilt over the pain and exhaustion in his voice, knowing i'm the cause of it. the feeling fades away though, and as much as i wish i would, i don't move from my spot.

i feel the bed dip as he sits next to me, the warm pressure of his hand touching my back. still, i don't move. i can't move. i hear his audible sigh, the soft movement of his hand over my back, as if he's trying to encourage me to do anything other than ignore him.

"i know you don't want to, but you have to come today... you missed the last meeting a-and there's only so much i can do," his voice is desperate as he pleads with me. i sigh, hating the way i'm affecting him and wishing i could just crawl in a hole and let him be happy without me burdening him.

scooting back out of the pillows, i turn around to see him gazing down at me sadly. his eyes are tired, and i can tell he's getting hardly any more sleep than i am, which isn't much.

"p-please don't make make me go," i whisper in desperation, my voice hardly audible due to the lack of speaking i've been doing. he closes his eyes for a second, frowning deeply.

"fuck!" he says, his voice frustrated. it isn't loud, but the intense sound of it makes me cringe. he brings his hands up to his face quickly, leaning against where his elbows rest on his thighs. my heart breaks when i hear a quiet sniffle, and i almost take a double take when he moves his hands and i see his cheeks damp with tears.

he-he's crying because of you.

i have no clue what to do, or how to handle this. calum hardly ever cries, only during dumbo, lilo and stitch, and when duke got sick that one time. i sit up a bit, wanting to comfort him but not knowing how, especially in my own emotionally exhausted state.

"flower i- i won't make you do anything, okay? it's just... if you don't go today, you'll lose the job. i know you don't want that," he reasons, his hand moving from his face. he moves one to push the loose strands of hair from my face. i let my eyes close slightly, a tear rolling down my cheek without my permission. i'm hardly surprised when i feel the pad of his thumb wipe it away, not helping much considering it's already damp from his own tears.

"when is this going to get easier?" i ask him quietly, fluttering my eyes open to meet his. his eyes soften, and i know he's trying not to pity me, but that's all i see when he looks at me the way he is now. i feel almost physically pained by the sight of his red and watery eyes. 

"i think it will always be hard, but you have to take the grief and the sadness and turn it into something better, into a way of... living the life he would want you to live." he takes a breath, before scooting up next to me. he lifts his arm and motions for me to come closer to him.

"c'mere, flower." i crawl over to him, letting him wrap his arms around me and intertwining my legs with his. one of his hands is gently moving up and down my arm comfortingly, while the other finds my hand and holds it tightly in his.