flower; ch

"i'm going home."

when raindrops fell, down from the sky
the day you left me, an angel cried
{raindrops (an angel cried), ariana grande}

indigo

it wasn't raining this morning. the sky was clear of all dark clouds, and i felt the warm sun as soon as i stepped out onto the terrace. but if there's anything this life has shown me, it's how quickly everything can change.

it's raining now, and it isn't a steady, calming rain. no, it's a torrential downpour, as if the skies have opened and are trying to cleanse the earth.

i suppose nature is trying to comfort me, make me feel less alone. the second calum walked out the door, the metal of the door hitting the wooden frame sharply in his wake, i could hear the pattering  of the water on the terrace. i couldn't move, i couldn't breath. i was stuck, staring at the grey door, urging, pleading it to open. i was praying to every higher power i could imagine, that calum would walk back in, and say he was sorry and that he didn't mean a word he said.

but he didn't. so here i am, standing with my feet glued to the floor, staring at the door in front of me, replaying his words to me over and over in my head.

"you can't have that with me," his words felt like a slap to his face, the hand that cups my jaw feeling like a hot kettle to my skin. what does he mean? i do have it with him, he is my whole world, no. he's more than that, he's the sun i revolve around. without him, there is no light, there is no warmth, there is no strength.

"w-what do you mean?" my voice defies me as my words come out shaky and forced. my cheek immediately misses the warmth of his palm as his touch disappears. the look on his face is one of complete and utter despair, as if he's given up.

"i... this has to end, indigo," my chest constricts, each sentence he speaks breaking my heart a little bit more. i don't understand how things could change so quickly? what did i do? i cant seem to stop myself as my head shakes quickly.

"why? i... i don't understand?" i splutter our. i watch carefully as his fist clenches by his thigh, feeling as if he's holding my heart in it, and crushing me along with it.

"we cant keep seeing each other, i.." i wince as his voice cracks. he can't even look at me now, his gaze trained on my feet as his jaw locks before releasing again.

"i don't want to be with you."

that was it. that was when i knew it was finished, that he had made up his mind. every doubt i had formed at the beginning of our relationship, has just been brought to light and shoved into my face. all the thoughts i pushed down, because calum insisted they weren't true. i'm no longer in control of my body as my eyes well up. i hate to seem vulnerable, to be the girl who cant stand up for herself, who cant fight back, but here we are.

"y-you're not ev-" i try to sniff back the tears, "even going to give me a reason?" my voice is so quiet, so filled with hurt, that it comes out hardly louder than a whisper. his fists clenched again, and i can feel my heartbeat in my ears. the pounding in my chest is almost unbearable and i swallow the lump in my throat. i think i see the ghost of a tear forming in his eyes, but he blinks quickly, the view disappearing.

"what did i do?" i cant help but ask, and i almost cringe at the desperate tone to my voice. his head shakes lightly.