flower; ch

"shut up for a second."

no one's ever gotten to this point,
where we go from here is
all your choice.
don't let me down
{don't let me down, sabrina claudio ft khalid}

indigo

the boys are playing in new york tonight, and today was filled with anticipation and champagne. they announced the name of the coming album, youngblood, and announced the north american leg of their coming tour, the meet you there tour back in philly, but today it's up for preorder and their fans get to listen to the title track, youngblood, for the very first time. they were freaking out a bit on the bus, all very nervous about how the fans would interpret the new sound.

the fans love it and so do i, i've never seen people so passionate about a piece of work, then i have when watching these four guys perform youngblood, it's astonishing to me that i get to capture it all.

calum and i spend as much time alone as we can, but i can feel the overlying tension that is the fear of getting caught. the repercussions aren't terrible, we both know that, but my image is at stake. i like calum a lot, and i know he feels the same as i do, and when i'm with him nothing else really matters. but when we're in a room with other people and i just want to hold his hand, i can't help but wish things were different.

besides me basically working for/with him. there are so many other things i have to think about if we were to make our... relationship, or whatever this is, public. although it's legal, i am 4 years younger than him, i only turned 18 last month. in my mind, 4 years isn't much of a gap, but to some people it's enough to judge us for. i don't want calum to be pestered over it.

i know all the things i'd be labeled if we came out. i'd be labeled an attention seeker, a little girl who got with a famous guy to make herself famous. the nasty comments would no doubt drive me mad, it's just who i am. i know that calum wouldn't care as much, but that's because he knows it has no substance and knows how to deal with it.

aside from all of that, i can't help but wonder how calum is feeling about being in some secret more-than-friends relationship with me. he's 22, i know he wants more than just making out, not that he'd ever push me to go further. i love how careful he is with me, even though he doesn't need to be scared.

i told him about how i lost my virginity, and the man who took it long before i was ready. but i didn't tell him how i coped with it. throughout high school, i was no angel. that's part of the reason i wanted to get out of there and do online school.

i slept around a good bit, not unsafely or all the time, but i had more than one sexual relationship. i want to talk to calum about it, but to be honest i'm scared of what he'll think. i'm scared he'll feel differently towards me when he finds out that i've slept with more than one guy.

-

"inddiiiigggooooo!" i hear calum say in a sing-song voice as we walk down the hall towards his room.

"caallluuummm," i repeat back, turning around so that i'm walking backwards and facing him with a smile. he jogs to catch up with me, turning me around with his hand as he walks next to me.

"how'd we do?" he asks, referring to their performance on jimmy fallon the night before. we're on our way back from eating breakfast with everyone, they have a show here in new york tonight.

"meh, not bad," i shrug, smiling as i look forward. he bumps me with his hip and i look up to see him pouting slightly at me with a glare.

"oh fuck off, you know we killed it," i laugh at his cockiness as we approach his door, him pulling out the keycard and swiping it to unlock it.