Dumiretso muna ako sa simbahan para magsimba sandali, saktong saktong nagsisimula na kaya umupo ako likod at nakinig kay father na nagsasalita.
"More than disappointment it is frustration" napatango ako kay father kahit hindi ako nakaabot sa una niyang sinabi but i know what his talking about.
"When you give your very best and then you harvest nothing, when you give your very best and you harvest a whirlwind, when you give your very best and you harvest terror and violence, against you." Dahil sa sinabi ni father bigla akong napaluha.
"Who does not know disappointment? Who has never been frustrated? Who has never been hurt after loving? Who has never been hurt after giving so much and then not expecting very much what we reap is gossip, intrigue, backstabbing or even worse attempts on our lives, can we love without disappointed? Can we serve without getting disappointed? And the answer my dear brother and sister is we cannot love and not not be disappointed because part of loving is while were still here on earth is the reality of being disappointed" mas lalo lang akong naiyak sa sinabi ni father halos hindi na tumitigil ang luha ko dahil sa kakaiyak ko.
"That is why the lord who is fully human allowed himself to be disappointed, to be frustrated, to be hurt by the very same people he loved, to be hurt by the very same people he wanted to save to be hurt by the very same people, who were ridiculing him and to choose to say father forgive them they do not know what they are doing, even if they have not yet asked for forgiveness, even if they have not yet acknowledge their sins, can we love without getting disappointed?" Natahimik si father at napatingin siya sa akin kasi kanina pa ako umiiyak dahil sa sakit ng dinaramdam ko ngayun.
"The answer is no, and then the next question is maybe we should stop loving so that we will not be disappointed? And the answer is still no, why are we always disappointed here on earth? why do we have to suffer rejection while we are alive? why are our dreams frustrated? why do our friends become traitors? why do our childrens turn against us? after bringing them up so well why? the answer is because we are living in this world, and everything in this world is limited, everything in this world is blemished, everything in this world is imperfect and so it is with the way we love, with the way we love here on earth we are blemished we are weak, we are subject to temptation, we carry the roots of original sin in our love" napangiti ako sa sinabi ni father dahil lahat ng sinabi niya lahat ng payo niya ngayun sa lahat ay ang kailangan ko, wala akong ibang pagsasabihan pero si father kahit hindi pa niya nalalaman ang sakit na nararamdaman ko alam na alam na niya kung ano ang sasabihin niya sa lahat at sa akin, kung ano ang kailangan ko ngayun.
"ang tanong bakit masakit ang mag mahal?kasi wala ka pa sa langit" napatango ako sa sinabi ni father
"kung nasa langit na tayo wala nang sakit magmahal at habang tayo ay nasa lupa, merong sakit ang pagmamahal, merong disappointment ang pagmamahal sapagkat hindi pwedeng mapuno ng kahit sinong tao o kahit anong pangyayari, yung ating pagnanasa na mahalin, there is no one, there is nothing here on earth, who will ever be able to satisfy our longing, our deep longing to be loved" huminga ako ng malalim at napapunas ng aking mga pesnge.
"so what should we do? so first we have to accept that part of loving is being disappointed by your beloved, you just have to accept but in addition to accepting that part of loving is being disappointed by your beloved you must also be honest enough that you have disappointed those who have loved you, you must be humble enough to acknowledge that you have disappointed you have hurt you have blemished the love of those who love you" habang nakikinig ako ay may nag bigay ng panyo sa akin kaya napatingin ako kung sino ito at isa itong matanda ngumiti ako sa kanya at tinggap yun.
"salamat po" tumango lang siya saka na umalis.
"we have been hurt when we loved but we have also hurt others when they loved us and therefore the key is to accept to accept that our love is imperfect and to accept that the love we will receive will also be imperfect because this is still earth we are not yet in heaven, the second thing that we must do if we are so disappointed is to grieve, cry kasi walang masamang umiyak" napatango ako habang umiiyak
"ilabas sa luha sapagkat ang luha nakakalinis ng ating kalooban ang luha ay lumalabas sa ating mga mata, pero pag lumabas ang luha sa ating mukha nililinis din niya yung sakit ng ating kalooban, cry because if you will pretend that everything is all right, if you will pretend that you are not disappointed that you are not frustrated, that everything is all right you are going to build resentment, you're going to build the attraction of revenge that sooner or later you will just get cynical and not love at all, the first is accept" napatango ako
"the second is grieve and the third is try again, try again" napahinga ako ng malalim at tumayo na sapat na ang narinig ko kay father para tanggapin ang lahat ng nangyari sa buhay ko lumabas na ako ng simbahan na nagbigay galang ng biglang may tumawag sa akin kaya ng tuluyang makalabas sa simbahan ay sinagot ko ito.
"Nasaan ka?" napakunot noo ako dahil bakit parang nag hy-hysterical si top.
"sa simbahan kakalabas ko lang bakit?" takang tanong ko sa kanya
"mag tago ka bilisan mo, bumalik ka sa loob ng simbahan dali" mas lalo akong nagtataka.
"huh? bakit ako magtatag----" bigla akong napatigil sa sinasabi ko ng may lalaking yumakap sa akin pero sumakit ang bahaging tiyan ko, namimilipit ako sa sakit at napahawak sa balikat niya ng sobrang higpit, napahinga ako ng malalim at napatingin sa mga mata ng lalakeng naka fully mask.
"Pasensya na trabaho lang" sabay sa paghila ng bagay na yun na tumusok sa tiyan ko kaya para akong kinuha ng panginoon sandali dahil sa sobrang sakit kasabay nun ang pagkatumba ko, napahinga ako ng malalim pero wala na akong halos makita.
"Miss TULONG MAY SINAKSAK DITO TUMAWAG KAYO NG PULIS AT AMBULANCE, KAYO HABULIN NIYO ANG LALAKENG YUN" rinig ko pero nanghihingalo na ako ng hininga, napatitig ako sa cross sa itaas ng simbahan at sa kalangitan, tumutulo ang luha ko dahil tanging puti nalang ang nakikita ko at blur pa, yung mga tao hindi ko halos makita.
"Miss wag kang matutulog baka matuluyan ka please" rinig kong sabi ng isang lalake pero hindi ko na kaya, inaantok na ako kaya dahan dahan akong pumikit at tuluyan ng naging itim ang boung paligid ko.
To be continued...
TheMirrorPrincess
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3012021
BINABASA MO ANG
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