Chevrolet Dreams

Chapter 20 - Disorders

~Chevy's Point of View~

I was sitting on Luke's lap as he was holding onto me to keep me calm which I still was far from. I wanted to drink but he stopped me from doing that too. I needed to find a way to calm down. I also need to tell Luke about my problems. Thanks to my sister they are going to come out way too early into the relationship but I guess it is good that he is going to know sooner rather than later.

I pulled his arms off of me and stood up. I turned around and he looked at me. I put my hand out so he would grab it and follow me which was easy. He didn't ask any questions and stayed quiet. I went out the back door with him and walked to the little place in the woods that I happen to like.

I found the spot and just sat down with my head in my hands. I ran my fingers through my hair and looked up at him. I could tell he was unsure on what to say about everything. When he calmed me down enough outside to go inside he just kept saying, "Don't worry about her you're the only woman I'll want." and "Baby I'm here. It's just you and me. Look at me." Which made me look into his eyes and he put that smile I can't resist. I just let everything relax and sigh.

"I have IED, Anxiety, PTSD and I did have ODD when I was younger. Which they say was just PTSD all along which I don't believe I have it but the therapist I last had still thinks I do." I told him. He just looked at me.

"What is IED?"

"Intermittent Explosive Disorder. What you basically just saw. I exploded from a 2 to a 20 in a couple seconds. If I hold it in then my anxiety takes over and I can't breathe so I'm having an anxiety attack. ODD is oppositional defiant disorder. Where someone is defiant to most people of authority or someone telling them to do something. PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You keep relieving a horrible memory over and over again to where it affects your life. There are different levels to where I was severe after my mother died and then they say now I am okay but I still need to take the medication. I don't." I told him. He just looked at me.

"So that is what you sister meant? You flip out with anger easy?" He asked.

"And it's harmful to myself or others." I looked at him and frowned. "I either punch things which hurts my hands; I've thrown objects, and beat the shit out of people." I said. He just looked down.

"So you have IED and Anxiety but don't think you have PTSD?" I nodded. "Why?"
"They say I have PTSD due to my mother passing away. I would have dreams nightly. Now it's random. It doesn't affect me as much anymore." I said shrugging.

"You know you just finally accepted a redneck as boyfriend right because of your mothers passing. That could be the PTSD that pushed it away and…" He started to say but I shook my head.

"I refuse to say I have so many fucking mental problems. It makes me seem like a mental case. Rocko said it was all in my head that I made this shit up and that I didn't need anything." I told him. "When I tell people, oh yeah, I have mental disorders. I will flip shit on you and beat your ass if you piss me off or throw things at you. Or just scream and yell and run away and not talk to you. I push people away Luke when I'm aggravated or upset. It's a first step of my anger rising. I can control it only so much. I haven't taken my pill in a few days so this is the result." I said. I sighed. "I got locked up and got out and had to go to anger classes where I was then told to take them because their requiring me to so I don't do it again."

"Did you ever fight Rocko?" He asked quietly. I looked at him and nodded.

"First few times. I fought back and made it worse. Then I just stopped because me being scared took over." I looked down and played with my thumbs. I felt a lot calmer now that I talked about it. I heard him get up and felt him sit next to me and put his arms around me.