Some readers were interested so here is the update.
Trigger warning-Discusses the issue of harrasment so if this triggers you please don't continue. I want to put out what it feels like to be a woman even today. So I wrote this piece.
So this is a general story. Nothing to do with saakk. But I really wanted to share this. So I am telling it through Shaurya and Anokhi.
Shaurya-Ye kya jhola jeans kharida hai yaar tumne?
Anokhi-Tum nhi samjhoge.
Shaurya-Arre woh jeans aur top bhi pyara hi tha jo maine dikhaya.
Anokhi-Shaurya you just don't understand. Tumhari samjh ke bahar hai. Mujhe khudko pura cover karna hai. Taki no one can see. No one can make me feel ki meri body unki hai. It's not Shaurya. It's not. It's not naa?
Shaurya-Anokhi. It's not. It's only yours. But kisine kuch kahan? Kisine tumhe hurt kia? Tell me Anokhi. Mein usse chodunga nhi.
Anokhi-Yes 2 years back. I know it's 2 years back but I can't forget it ever Shaurya. I can't. Woh ek hi incident tha. But woh ek incident ke baad I feel not me on some days. Kya mein yeh over react kar rhi hoon. Do saal pehle ki baat hai but on some days I feel ki aaj ki hi baat hai. And it was a non touch one. It was just that stare on my breast and that one remark. But ek remark ko bhul nhi pati. I mean woh ek remark ko bhul jati hoon but on some days all of it comes back to me. And I can feel actual physical pain there. As if I was groped. When I know I wasn't groped. It was just words.
Shaurya-Anokhi I can't say. I can't say because I don't know what it is to be a woman. I don't know what is to be looked at in a room. I have never been subjected to that gaze that penetrates.
Anokhi-Shaurya that's it. It penetrates. I feel the gaze touching me. Jaise it has gone through my clothes. Jaise someone has torn my breasts off from my body. How is that possible?
Shaurya-Anokhi! It is. It is valid.
Anokhi-Yeah it is. But me going through this kyunki ek ladki hoon is not fair.
Shaurya-Haan Anokhi. Come baitho.
Anokhi-Shaurya! I just am hurting so much. Even today itne din baad. And I can't say this. I can't speak about this. Because it's not rape. It's not touch. It's just that stare and a comment. It's just that. But I am not ok with it. I am not. I want to scream. I want to cry.
Shaurya-Anokhi! You can. Tumhe hak hai pain express karne ka.
Anokhi-Its going to be loud and messy.
Shaurya-Thats how you feel. Messed up after what happened. It's ok. You can scream. I am there. If you want mein room ke bahar hoon. You can scream. Let go of that pain.
She screams all her frustration out. She cries for long time.
Anokhi-I still don't feel ok.
Shaurya-Kyunki you have been through something unfair. Something painful. And nothing can make it fair. Because agar usse uss baat ki saza bhi mile fir bhi tumhare sath jo hua woh badal nhi jata.
Anokhi-You know I told no one about this. I mean I told di but not what happened to me. I was waiting for di in bazaar. The words running in my head. Me hating my body. Standing there. Di aadhe ghante baad aayi. I had silent tears. I told her what happened but not what I felt. What do I even say. That every inch of my skin was hurting. I went for shower. I was screaming without using a voice. Waiting for those words to drain off me. Waiting for the water to carry it away. It didn't. But over time my body turned ice cold. I let the pain freeze, get entrapped in the ice of my heart. But pata nhi why it comes back.
Shaurya-I don't what to say Anokhi. Aur ye bolna I don't know is also the wrong thing to say. I just can say tumhe apna dard mujhse chupane ki koi zaroorat nhi hai. You can scream, you can cry, you can hit me if you want to. It hurts me more to see you like this, knowing that this is something I can't heal ever rather than yoh beating me up. Still it won't be the same.
Anokhi-Kuch cheeze kabhi resolve nhi hoti. I have made my peace with not having peace ever.
Shaurya-Hmmmm.
Anokhi-By the way I have to finish the assignment. Kal test hai.
Shaurya-Anokhi you don't have to. Tum mentally kitni disturbed ho.
Anokhi-Thats the thing. We don't have the luxury of not doing things chahe kuch bhi ho jaye. Warna woman card ban jayega.
Shaurya-Anokhi. I. I should not have said that. Yeh woman card nhi hai Anokhi. You need time and rest.
Anokhi-Hmmm. Yeah tumhe samjh aa gya toh not necessary har ladke ko aa jaye. And anyways if we rest for our trauma then many of us would be attending college only once a week. That's the extent of how different the female experience is. Anyways agar mein iss sach se khudko distract nhi karungi mein aise hi tooti rahoongi. It hurts way too much. I am going to do my assignment and sleep over it. Hopefully kal subah tak I will have pushed it to the back of my mind.
Shaurya-Anokhi. I!
Anokhi-You don't have to feel guilty about your privilege. You acknowledge it. Itna kafi hai. Thanks for acknowledging it. It makes us feel seen. Our struggles are no longer invisible thanks to men like you. And I will call it a early night after doing the assignment and sharing a coffee with my bff plus hubby Shaurya Sabbarwal.
Shaurya-Ok tum assignment karo. Mein tumhare liye ek hot chocolate laga hoon. Aur itna acchese banaunga tum dekhna.
Anokhi-Thanks. Love you.
Shaurya-Love you too.
He leaves. She begins to tear up. But then takes a deep breath and starts reading the questions aloud to get back in the groove. Because that's what we girls do everyday. Atleast many of us.
How did you people like it? Share in comments. This was something I wanted to express so I did. Even if it was not directly related to saakk. I felt it is important. So I wrote.
