𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐎𝐟 𝐀 𝐌𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐥 ♡ MinSung

Ch. 58

Sunday December 15th, 2020, 4:21pm

Dear Han Jisung,

I get it. You hate me, and this gift is probably the one thing that made your Christmas miserable, but please, take five minutes out of your day to hear me out...

I'm sorry. I apologize for all of the pain I have caused you over the past three and a half months, and if I could take everything back I would. I know simply saying sorry will never fix the damage I have done to you however.

I was selfish, cruel and I only ever focused on myself. I was scared of who I was as a person and thought that having sex with you would prove the fact the I wasn't attracted to men...

I am.

The times I spent in my room with my hands resting on your perfect figure are something that I will never forget, for as long as I live. I was, and still am, addicted to you like a drug.

I kept telling myself that the only reason I liked all of those evenings with you was because I was just overly horny, and it had nothing nothing do with you being well.. you.

I wouldn't admit to myself that you make me feel things that I've never felt before, you make me feel loved. I enjoy knowing you have, or had at this point, a crush on me. Not because I could make fun of you, but because someone actually likes me in that way.

I've always felt like no one would ever love me, as I didn't have the best up bringing. Honestly, because of that I should have known how bad it feels to be bullied like you have.

I understand why you broke things off. I understand that you no longer have feeling like that, and I know why. Being treated so horribly would set anyone off of a crush like that.

You realized that I don't deserve you. Someone like me will never be able to live up to the standards that someone as perfect and precious as you should up hold.

I know that me confessing my feeling for you now isn't going to do much, considering that you no longer feel the same. I've accepted that I acted stupidly and missed my shot, and we'll never actually end up as a happy couple, even if we could.

Having you around also made me feel in control. You see, I have problems with my father in that I'm basically his puppet. Because I can't have control with him, I took it out on you. I know it's not your fault that I have a fucked up home life, and I'm sorry for making it your problem as well.

I used you like an object in more ways than I can count Jisung, and it will take more words than I know to express how deeply sorry I am. Not only am I guilty, but I'm humiliated.

I've been embarrassingly stupid ever since we met all that time ago. I thought I was gaining respect from people, but I've done nothing but lose it, especially from people like you, and I deserve it.

I deserve to lose all of the respect people had for me. My pride is too big for my own good and it's hurting all of the people around me that I love so much.

Remember when I kissed you in the library? Right after you broke off our study sessions? I was going to say all of this before. I was unbelievably close to confessing to you right then and there, simply in the hopes you might stick around..

I know it's stupid and admitting this will do nothing, but Jisung, I'm desperate for you. I'd do anything, but at the same time, I regret it. All of it.

I regret ever meeting you. I regret ever meeting anyone. I regret ever going to that horrible school, I regret ever living in Korea, I regret ever being raised the way I was, I regret ever being born, Jisung.

Don't think that this is about you however. It's about me. All I want is to see you happy, even if that meant never even getting the chance to be the one to make you happy.

You mean everything to me...

I've used you, I've hurt you, I've belittled you, and now all I want is you.

I'm unbelievably stupid, Jisung. I know the chance is next to nothing.. but please. Once we get out of this hell hole, once we both move on to college and university, please, just think about giving me a chance..

That probably sounds ignorant and desperate.. but those two words describe me best.

I don't even know if this will make it into your possession. It's supposed to be as a Christmas gift, but I'll probably chicken out.

I regret it all, and I'll never be able to apologize enough, but please, just know that I tried. You don't have to accept this, I understand if you don't, but just be aware of this...

I love you, Han Jisung.

With everything I have,

- Love Minho