𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐎𝐟 𝐀 𝐌𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐥 ♡ MinSung

Ch. 77

Jisung currently had a very wide range of emotions over what had happened over the past few days. He still felt kind of mad at Minho for writing that diary entry, but he also felt guilty. Very guilty. More guilty than mad actually.

He felt bad for yelling at Minho, and he also felt bad because maybe it seemed like he was leading the elder on? Who knows.

He had basically obsessed over the few pages I the journal, reading them over and over like he was trying to find a hidden meaning.

Jisung had enjoyed the rest of that night though, and he found it cool to have people inherent than Felix to laugh with. In fact, he hadn't laughed so much in one night since.. well.. probably months ago.

Sighing, Jisung pulled out a pencil and sat down at his desk with the journal. He thought that maybe writing how he felt as if he were telling Minho would give him some relief.

December 28th, 2020, 3:26am

Dear Minho,

I can't count the amount of times I've read over that letter, I probably have very other word memorized by now actually. That might sound weird, but it's seriously bugging me...

It's crazy to think that our whole relationship, whatever you want to call it, has been going on for nearly five months now, don't you think? I'll be honest though, the first little while was much more fun.

I never thought I would say this, but I kind of enjoyed being your property, especially when you treated me well.

I remember when you found out you hurt my shoulder and proceeded to make me feel like I was loved like never before. I loved that night so much and I think of it often. It's a much better memory than the ones we've made recently.

I'm sorry for yelling at you when you gave me this journal by the way. I should have been grateful you even got me a present, and I feel really guilty, but just try to hear me out.

It bugs me that you are trying to take advantage of me loving you for entertainment. I know you don't care about my feelings, but I hate being treated like am object.

You act like you can throw me around and make jokes about liking me back, but it honestly hurts me.

I find it so hard to believe you really love me back and I'm pretty confident that you don't. I still love you Minho. I probably like you even more than I did before, I'm going insane without you.

All I want is for you to hold me like I mean something and keep me warm. That probably sounds stupid and cringy, but it's true.

However, whether you actually have feelings for me or not, I hate you. But I love you. It's so stupid.

I just want you to leave me alone and never speak to or see me again, but I also feel like I would go insane if I never got to see your face again. You mean so, so much and I can't help it. Please Minho, just let us start over.

I wish we could go back in time and start again. I wish for it so much. That being said though, I don't wish for us to be together now.

It would be much too painful and hurtful for the both of us, especially knowing that my love is entirely one sided. If there was some way we could magically fix this, I would do it in a second.

Sometimes I wish I never met you, but at the end of the day, all I wish for is more of you.

The things I would give to fall asleep in your arms Minho.

You're probably disgusted right now. I know you're straight and you were only using me, so I understand if you want to throw up at the thought of someone like me, a guy, loving you as much as I do.

Perhaps someday you will read this, but as long as I can control it, never again will I interact with you. I think it's for the best, and you probably do too..

Make sure to tell Seungmin, Jeongin, Channie Hyung, Hyunjin and Changbin that they are amazing people and I loved being around them. This was the best Christmas I've had since my mother past away and it's undoubtable.

I'm going to say it again though Minho, I really don't like you. My mind tells me to run away, but my heart is telling me to latch onto you and never let you.

I would die with you if I could Minho.

Also, one more thing, when I mentioned the slits on my wrist, I have no idea why. That was completely unfair and a huge lie.. I just wanted to make you feel worse..

Love, yours and only yours,

-Han Jisung

I can't help but fall for you Lee Minho.