Jessamine Dixon lives in the apocalypse

Passing Time

"Are we not going to talk about what you said to your brother?" Michonne asked me from the doorway and I twiddled my thumbs from the edge of the bed.

"Shouldn't you be in Alexandria?" I asked. She sighed and I knew that Daryl had to be around somewhere if she was talking to me about this. 

"J, why won't you talk to anybody? You've been so distant." She called me out. Michonne started walking into the room but I stood up and faced her. Michonne looked glad that I was finally looking at her, but I knew I had a dead stare on my face.

"Come on, say something. Talk to me. You know me. This isn't what Tyreese would want." The words came out of her mouth and it didn't even look like she regretted them. I could hear the door open downstairs and then I heard a voice that needed me more.

"Tyreese also wouldn't have wanted me to kill his sister, but I did that, too, and I wasn't even able to do the one thing she wanted me to do." I stated while brushing past her and going downstairs. 

"I'm coming, Siddiq." I told him after he called my name again. I got to the entryway and I glanced into the kitchen. Daryl, Anthony, and Scarlet were all staring at me from the kitchen and I looked back at Siddiq who was looking at them.

"Let's go to the meeting hall." I suggested before he nodded his head and turned around to leave.

Siddiq's PTSD since the attack has been bad. We've tried just about everything but I think it's going to get worse. We've tried talking, drawing, writing, going there, nothing seems to be making it better. At this point I think we're going to have to wait it out, it might get worse before it gets better, maybe it never gets better. I don't know. I'm just glad he's been open about it. It's also nice to get some clarity, knowing that my girls, Henry, my people, they went down fighting and protecting each other. I just wish I could help with his survivor's guilt. 

He had a baby on the way. I think it could make it worse or it could make it better. I guess I don't really know. We won't really know until Rosita pops. Still a lot of questions there.

"Maybe this isn't the best place." I whispered to myself once I opened the doors and I looked at the walls. Immediately I saw their names and before I could turn around and stop Siddiq, he was already walking past me towards the Hilltop wall.

I watched for a moment as he brushed his hand over their names. Then he brought his hand down and stopped. His body was turned away from me but his head was leaned towards me.

"Do you ever wish it was me? That you could trade me for one of them?" Siddiq asked and I thought about what we saw on those pikes.

"How could you say that? Don't say that." I told him. 

"Not just them. But with Carl too. What if Carl had just left me, let me get bit, gone home to you and lived." The words felt like daggers as he said them and I just shook my head.

"He would have died one way or another. Just like the rest of us. Besides, Siddiq, he saved you for a reason, you're one of the greatest things to happen to us, hell, you've saved our asses more than I can count." I reassured him. Siddiq sat down at one of the tables and he still wouldn't face me. 

"I just want to know...why me? Why did she let me live? Why let me watch her kill them?" He asked me and I sighed.

"You can't ponder on it too much. That question will eat you alive if you let it. Trust me." I whispered the last part and sat down at a table away from him.

"How do you do it? I mean, you know he's there. How do you keep yourself from Negan?" Siddiq asked me and I looked at the Alexandria wall.

"I don't, they keep him away from me." I honestly told him.