Yours Truly

68: It's not fine

Jisoo sobbed. The hair at the back of her neck standing up. Her back against the door, goosebumps all over her tiny frame. She was shaking. Picking her skin with her sharp nails. The whole world was a blur to her. Her chestgoing up and down sharply, as a result of her lack of breath. Namjoon gently knocked on the door,
"Yeobo?"
She couldn't answer. She didn't even want to. He knew. But still he couldn't keep his voice down.
Getting no answer from Jisoo, Namjoon sat down on the ground. With his back against the door. His face digging deep inside his palms. He huffed. Why was he doing this? Why was he hurting his loved ones? Why was a dark shadow getting the worst out of him? He knows what triggers Jisoo. And he just did the exact thing. He should have been more careful. His voice deep, breaking in between,
"Jisoo-ya, I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm doing things. I don't knoe what's happening to me. I'm turning into my worst nightmare. Tonight, I did something heinous. I'm sorry. I can't convey how sorry I am through words, Jisoo-ya. It's alright if you need time, if you need space. Take all that you need. Just know that I'm sorry."

Jungkook was good at everything. Sierra playfully side-eyed him from the lane next to him. Jungkook winked at her cheekily, throwing finger guns at her,
"Get your wallet ready Mrs. Kim. I'm going to have a feast tonight."
"Yeah yeah Jeon Jungkook. Keep dreaming. Cause I am..."
Sierra had picked up Jungkook's perfect bowling posture till now. The red ball rolled furiously towards the bowling pins standing proud. Straight. And with a heartbeat, there were no pins left. Sierra twirled. An almost perfect twirl. Looking Jungkook straight in his eyes, a smug smile on her lips. She continued from where she left off,
"Not going to lose."
Jungkook rolled his eyes playfully. Placing his hands on his hips, he leaned in sassily,
"We'll see about that, Siracha."
"Sure, if you can see through your tears Cookies and cream."
They both giggled. Picking up their bowling balls. Both neck to neck. Neither of them wanted to lose. Not for the money, but for their pride. Jeons, I tell you.
It was a tie. For the third time. They both stepped back. Agreeing, they were twins for a reason. They both giggled, as Jungkook handed her a waterbottle,
"Have a sip Sisi. I took you out for a whole day. Taehyung Hyung would kill me if even the slightest thing happens to you."
"Thanks Kookoo. You are really pampering me for no reason."
He chuckled. Opening another bottle for himself. Her pushed back his hair. Sweat glistened on his forehead. The ice cold water ran down his vocal cord. He gulped, his gentle neck on show. His soft, pink lips moved,
"Sierra, can I tell you a secret?"
Sierra rubbed the excess water hanging from the corners of her lips with the back of her hands. She smiled, sharing her warmth. Signing, she's all ears,
Jungkook felt his head go lower. He fiddled with his fingers,
"Sierra, you know how competitive I am right? Any one that knows me, knows that I am a competitive jerk. You know, since I was a child, I always was second to my Hyung. JungHyun Hyung. I terribly wanted to stand out. I terribly wanted to be the best. And slowly, I don't know when it became my personality trait. Never losing once. Never letting someone surpass me. Always being top. No matter what. No matter how hard it is on me. Losing became my pet peeve. If I'm not the winner no one should be it. But these days I keep running and running and running, but I nwver reach the finishing line first. Someone else does. Every single time."
Sierra didn't if ir was sweat or tears. All sge knew was, something was hurting Jungkook. It was terribly stubbing him. She scooted closer, smiling as she rubbed his back,
"Gguk-ah, everything is going to be alright again. Everything would be picture perfect. It's okay to receive lemons from life. But we gotta make lemonades with it. That's just how life is. It goes up, high up in the sky and the suddenly it drops down. We are humans. We have it in us to soak in every bit of it and go on every day. We are humans bounded by love. My first word as a kid was 'Sarang'. As a child I always messed up 'Sarang' and 'Saram'. Sarang is just Saram, with all their rough edges polushed down. We humans are just love with rough edges around us. And these ups and downs, twist and turns inside us erode us down. It takes us from being 'Saram' to 'Sarang'. Pain turns us into lovers. It will be alright. Soon enough. Just hold on, Kook. For heaven's sake hold on."
Jungkook didn't see her face twitch. But from the bottom of his heart he knew, she was desperate to keep him calm. But she just didn't know how to. She only told him the words she wants to hear. He smiled, murmuring a tiny,
"Thanks, Ra."
Sierra smiled. Wrapping her arm around Jungkook's bicep. She placed her head on his shoulder. Her eyelids fluttered. She quipped
"Koo, can I tell you a secret?"
Jungkook hummed, leaning towards her, sniffing her hair. She smelt like his Taehyung Hyung, but with a more warm and chocolaty vibe. Sierra's voice felt tiny and fragile,
"I was a ballerina for 12 years, before I ran away."
Jungkook's head turned towards her with the swiftest turn ever. His eyes probably were huge. But Sierra didn't glance. She kept her eyes close, taking in his energy. Grasping his arms a little tighter,
"Bro, I had to tell someone. I did tell Jimin Oppa. He even wanted me to get back to it. Not everyone knows ballet. It would have been a magnificent art to master. But for me, ballet wasn't impressive, rather it was a form of a punishment. A cell. My mother went too hard on me to learn it. She was obsessed with her pre perceived notion of what ballet was supposed to be, instead of ballet truely is. She went way harder than Rosie's parents ever did. She made me gain an eating disorder, anxiety. It took me years to become confident again. It took me days to stop punishing myself for a extra spoonful. I still tap my feet way too hard and fast when something's in my head. I scratch myself sometimes. Sometimes I feel lightheaded and my chest tightens. But I'm working on it. These days, I feel a lot better. And slowly, I'm again trying to view ballet as a beautiful art. My body sometimes does things habitually and I kept in touch with some moves. I don't know why, but I just did. Sometimes I dance a part with stiffness and forget the next completely. But funnily enough, no one scolds me or shames me. Whatever I do, I feel free. That's all I ever wanted. A world to myself."