Yours Truly

95: I can't blame myself, but I can't hate you

The table was too quiet. These days, they knew that talking to each other only brought chaos. Taehyung had his arms wrapped around his lady. She downed another glass of soju. Seok-Jin cleared his throat,
"Yah, let's not talk about..."
"Hyung, let her. So, Lalisa Manoban, why are you playing with boys? I thought you grew out of that phase. Don't tell me Yoon-o was a bet too."
Jungkook was too tipsy to know how bluntly he was hurting Lisa. Lisa felt warmer, maybe it was alcohol or it was embarrassment. Her voice felt crusty,
"I was... Attracted to Jeong Yoon-o. Yes. I was attracted and it felt like love..."
"Then why the fuck did you break his heart Lalisa? Did you find someone else? Is he older? Is he handsome and cool? Or is he younger? Does he do Aegyo for you?"
"YEAH, I DID. I FELL IN LOVE AGAIN. WITH..."
"Jungkook-ah, Lisa-ya. Please, not today. Out of all these days, please not today."
Hoseok tiredly sighed. Slowly savouring his beer. The sizzling sound of pork slathered over the grill. Taehyung still had his arms around Sierra. She was way too cuddled in his arms to know of the world. She was almost tipsy. Her head felt heavier, as she placed it on Taehyung's shoulder. She closed her eyes, as if drifting off to sleep. Taehyung, whispered gently,
"Stay awake Juliette. The meat is almost done. You have to eat, alright?"
They were all insid etheir own bubbles. Taehyung and Sierra in one. Lisa and Jungkook in one. They felt ungrateful and guilty almost. The way they were not mourning enough. But they just couldn't. Jungkook downed another beer, his face full red. As if it will start bleeding even if the wind caressed it gently. He stood up, with sloppy steps. His voice hoarse and gummy. He slurred and stuttered ove rhis eyes. His lips spread into an unusual smile and his eyes droopy,
"Everyone... It was a pleasure to meet you. Hoseok Hyung, my hope, my sunshine. You remember how I told you about my feelings, the first. Cause that's who you are to me. Taehyung Hyung, there was never a day that I didn't love you and care for you. Sierra, my sister, my twin. There was never a day when you were not beside me. Thank you... Thank you."
Jungkook started howling, at this point. Throwing his arms around Taehyung and Sierra. They both tiredly hugged him back. They needed some warmth to stay alive, too. It was evident, he was drunk. Completely drunk. But still it felt nice.
But it didn't last. Nothing lasts. Jungkook let go them both, leaving a bit of his soul with them. A bit that made them feel warm in tehir stomach. Jungkook crawled towards Seok-Jin. He cupped his cheeks inside his hands,
"Seok-Jin Hyung, my mommy bird. Sorry."
Seok-Jin hugged him back. Patting him. Maybe he only knows that how precious these guys are to him. Jungkook slurred,
"I. Need. Drinkeu. Where is my beer? Huh? Soju? Whiskey? Something? Anything?"
Lisa shook her head, pulling him away. She took Jungkook's car keys. He drove them all to the funeral in it because there were too many people for him to zone out. Or else, he would have just took the metro, like he did from Busan to Seoul. She rolled her eyes, pulling Jungkook away,
"Only Taehyung Oppa and I didn't drink much. I've had a glass, most. I'm sober. I'll drive him home. He is wasted drunk. Let's end this night and never do this again. We guys are too hollow to fake a smile. Good night."
She took her octagonal hat and her purse. She dragged Jungkook by her arms. Jungkook's face was as red as a cherry. He looked like a baby.
Sierra scoffed, pouring ehrself another glass,
"Is this how we fall apart?"
Seok-jin took away her glass, gently patting her head,
"No more alcohol for you, Si. You are drunk."
"Oppa, do you think I care?"
"But we do."
Sierra stared at them for a second. Her vision was finally starting to get blurry. But her gut feeling said, if she drank more, she'd lose the moment. She smirked, gulping the glass she poured,
"This is the last. I swear. Kim Taehyung, let's get ice cream for all of us."

Lisa tied his seatbelt. He looked like a baby. As if he would fall asleep. She finger combed his hair,
"Gguk-ah, I'm sorry. I know I am the one at fault. I broke your heart. I was really bad to you. But never ever again. I will stay. Even if you don't. Just give me this one chance."
He whimpered dreamily,
"Lalisa. There hasn't been a day that I have not love you. I loved you through days and nights and months and ages. But, you Lalisa. You have only hurt me. You have only known how to stab me. But still, I love you. I will always love you. If I can't embrace you, I shall rather let you step on me. I shall kill anyone that makes you shed a tear. But I may never have you as my lover again. I can't kill myself. I'm happy as your admirer. I'd rather be away from you than be with you."
Tears made way to her eyes. She cupped his cheeks and pecked him. His face, eyes, nose and lastly his lips. As a habit, he dipped his hand around her neck, deepning the kiss. His lip piercing against her skin.
The kiss sobered him. He weakly turned his lips away. He kept his eyes shut tightly, tears trailing off,
"Lalisa, please don't."
His grip on his seatbelt tightening. Tears evident in his voice,
"Lalisa, please don't toy with me. My feelings or my heart. I can't take it. I can't get used to being just a parlor boarder. I'm tired of being the shiny thing you fancy. I have already burnt myself to ashes and wounded myself with your name. Please don't ask me to fall in love again... Cause I will. Even when you don't ask me to, I fall in love thousands and hundreds of times a day with you. And then I drag myself out of it. You are a fire, and I'm the moth drawn to you. You burn me, to the point that death feels better than your heart. Please don't exhaust me more. Please, don't come up and say you love me. Cause I'll say it back even if I don't want to."